The Calm after the Storm

Chapter 5 - An Underlying Feeling of Peace

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

I wake up feeling at peace. Throughout this whole process, that is the main feeling that I have had. That's hard to explain why I feel this way. I have to come to grips with the fact that I may not have my husband around much longer; I could be a single mom and have to be the primary breadwinner. I need to hang on to that feeling with all my might to get me through this. I know God is in charge and He will help us through anything that we face.

Scott and I decide to go to the temple that day. We need to feel the calm and peace that beautiful place provides. We decide to do sealings, a marriage ceremony where couples are sealed together for time and all eternity. We perform these ordinances in behalf of those who have gone before and have not had the opportunity in this life. Through genealogical records, we can find out who our ancestors are and can perform these ordinances for them. It is always a special experience.

More tears are shed during the sealing ceremonies. It reminds us of our own wedding day. We were married and sealed in this same temple. Who would've thought that we'd end up living just down the street from it? After we are done, we spend some time sitting in another area of the temple and contemplating life. Scott mentions, "What if I'm not here for our daughter's wedding?" More tears.

"You'll be here," I reply. "Don't you remember when our nephew, who lost his mom when he was 7, got married and how his mom was there? Her presence was undeniable that day. You'll be there." I don't know if I mean he'll be there in body or spirit. I just want to enjoy the time we can spend together today. We enjoy this special time at the temple and make a goal to go every week as long as he is able. As I was getting ready to leave the temple, I ran into a neighborhood friend who I haven't seen in years. We hugged and I soaked up her beautiful spirit. Coincidence? I think not. It was as if God placed an angel in my path to buoy me up in a time of need.

When we get home, he starts making phone calls to all of his family members with the latest updates. It's depressing for me to listen to, but I know he needs this time with his brothers and parents. I leave to go to the high school that my two oldest kids attend. I signed up a few weeks ago to be on a parent panel for our daughter's child development class. I did this years ago when a friend of mine taught the class, and it was so delightful. The kids ask you parenting questions and you answer them to the best of your ability.

I sit down and see three of my young women, including my daughter. My heart is happy. I know I can get through this with them there, even though they're oblivious to what's going on, except my daughter. She is amazingly strong and I admire her so much. I'm so glad she's not embarrassed to have me come to her class. The parent panel consists of myself and two other moms. As we introduce ourselves, I find out the two other moms have been married before and are on their second marriages and have blended families. That could be me someday. I don't even want to think about that right now and push that thought to the back of my mind. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience as I introduce myself. I feel out of place and that I should be home with my husband. We start the panel and it is pleasant. I enjoy all the questions posed by the kids and I enjoy the other mom's responses and value the wisdom that they have. I hold it together well. No one suspects a dang thing.

After the panel, I go with my daughter to the counseling office. I talked to all the kids about this the night before. We want the school to be aware of what's going on so my kids have a safe place to go during school if they need a break, or just a good cry. As we're walking to the counseling office, two of her friends see her and give her the biggest hug. She has already told some friends. It is awesome to me to see their support and love for her. I get a hug too, from one of her friends who is also one of my "adopted" daughters from the young women program at church, and my heart is happy. We make it to the counseling office and request to talk to a counselor. There are none available right then so I ask to talk to the secretary. She pulls us into an office and the water works start again as I explain the situation. She expresses her sympathy and offers some additional resources that my kids can use if needed. I appreciate her help. We leave the counseling office and I give my daughter a hug goodbye and head to my younger boys' school to talk to the counselor there and to pick them up. The counselor there is understanding also and offers to email all their teachers and let them know of the situation so I don't have to worry about it. That's nice of her. Her children's father recently passed away and her kids are going through the grieving process, so she can be a good resource for my boys. I feel reassured and am glad I listened to the mama voice in the back of my head telling me to do that. I pick up my boys and we head home. It's been a long time since I've picked them up; our neighbor has been helping out with that. It feels good to get back to normal...sort of.

That night I go to Bunco with some neighborhood friends. I wasn't planning on it, but the friend who is hosting sent me a text asking if I'd like to sub for a group member who is out of town. Now that my kids know, I figure word will get out soon enough, and I'd rather tell my Bunco friends personally than have them hear it through the grapevine. I've always enjoyed the camaraderie and sisterhood I feel when I get together with these ladies, so I decide to go. Besides, dinner will be served, and I know this friend will provide a fantastic meal. :) She knows about the situation, she's the indoor soccer friend from yesterday, and I ask her if I can make the announcement once everyone gets there and before we start helping ourselves to the food. She's fine with that. I tell her I'll need tissues. "I have plenty," she replies.

I go to Bunco and act normal. Some people know what's going on, but not the full extent, and some have no idea. I'm hoping to see my friend who lost her husband to cancer a little over a year ago so I can talk to her after, but she's not there. Her daughters are though, and I know they'll be a good resource and listening ear. I'm not looking for sympathy; I just want to get it out to trusted friends. When everyone is gathered together just before the meal, the Bunco host welcomes everyone and turns the time over to me. I just let it all out and the gushing begins. I think this is breakdown #4 today; but I'm just not keeping track anymore. Everyone lets me get it out and then there are hugs all around; I feel so much comfort from these ladies. There are also a bunch of questions. That's when I decide to start a blog; I'm tired of answering the same questions over and over again. The daughters who lost their dad to cancer offer some good advice. "Get a punching bag," they say. "Go to the thrift store and get some cheap dishes and put them in a plastic bag and smash them on your kitchen floor." Great ideas. My oldest son has a punching bag that he bought with his very first paycheck two years ago. He wants to get rid of it to make room for more of his junk in his room. The punching bag will be brought upstairs tomorrow. It's mine now! :) They say they will let their mom know and she will contact me. I look forward to that. We enjoy a wonderful meal and have a great time playing Bunco, but I need to bow out early. Scott asked a ward member to come over and give our kids priesthood blessings tonight. I can't miss those.

The blessings are beautiful. He starts from the youngest and goes up until the oldest. He cries more than we do. What a compassionate and caring man! How we love him and his family so much. Again the underlying feeling of peace and calm enters my heart. Everything will be OK, whatever that means.