Scan #3 and results

FEAR

In episode #149 on the podcast Better Than Happy, the host, Jody Moore, defines fear in the following ways:

1) Fear is a gift.

2) Only humans can create fear by thought alone.

3) Fear exists about things in the future.

4) Come back to the present to minimize your fear.

5) The brain does not differentiate between physical and emotional danger.

First of all, you should check out the podcast. It's a good one. Secondly, I don't think it's a coincidence that that episode was the next one for me to listen to, even though it was recorded over a year ago (I'm listening to them in order from start to finish), and I just happened to listen to it a few days before Scott's next scan. It definitely gave me a lot to think about, and was very reassuring. There's nothing we can do about the results; just deal with it and don't dwell on them. 

So without further ado, here we go.........

His scan was originally scheduled for two days before we talked to the doctor. They called and rescheduled to the day before because that's when they'd have a person there who could access the port. At least there will be someone; better than last time. What a fiasco! And at least this time we'd only have to wait about 24 hours, instead of a week, like last time! Way to much scanxiety for me, and probably Scott too! We definitely learned our lesson after that one. It would still be nice if they had more people who can access a port. I'm not a nurse and I know how to do it. They could seriously have a workshop at the hospital and nurses could learn and practice how to do it in a couple of hours. That is another suggestion I may include on the survey that they always send out when we visit. Anyways, I digress. I do that a lot -- it's fun!

We went to the imaging center yesterday and the doctor who knew how to access the port had to be tracked down. When they finally found him, he asked Scott what he was getting a CT scan for. Scott told him colon cancer and he asked how old he was. "Young!" I said at the same time Scott told him his age of 46. The doctor said he was 47 and he hasn't had a colonoscopy yet so he was going to get one. After both of us reassuring him that it was a good idea, he casually mentioned that the screening age has been lowered recently to 45 instead of 50, regardless of family history! Which means that if there is a family history you can get scoped at 40 and insurance will pay for it. Hmmm, I thought, they're finally getting the picture. Maybe if that had been the case with Scott we could have caught this earlier. After struggling awkwardly and having to poke him twice to access his port (it seemed like he didn't do it very often), the doctor got it hooked up and they whisked him away to the scan. Fifteen minutes later he walked out, we got the CD and headed home, trying to stay busy over the next 24 hours as we wait to go over results with the doctor. I went out to lunch with my sweet neighbor, who's also a good friend, and it helped immensely to take my mind off things. We visited while enjoying some delicious food and then went to go buy some Halloween decorations afterward. Thank you, sweet friend. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

We met with the doctor the next day. Scott had already made up his mind that whatever the results were, he wasn't getting treatment that day. He's really sick of the neuropathy and wants to take a break through the end of the year. When the nurse called him back to get his blood work, we were pleased to see that it was the same nurse that he had for his first chemo treatment. We were all excited to see each other again; she seems to never to be there when he has his treatment on the day we meet with the doc. When she asked him about which needle he preferred, he told her he wasn't getting treatment that day, so it didn't matter. "Well, look at you, acting like the patient, or something," she sarcastically replied. :) She took his blood and we went back into the waiting room to get called back to talk to the doc. They called him back quickly and we didn't have to wait very long for him. That's never happened before. Yay! Maybe the rest of the day will go as quickly.

When the doc came in, he pulled up Scott's results and said he had just gone over them with the radiologist at 6:00 the night before. They notes were very brief, so he double checked to see if they were for the right person. They were; this radiologist just wasn't as verbose as the others. The tumor in the colon is still undetectable; the liver one was still continuing to shrink. The lung ones still haven't changed. Scott didn't waste any time letting the doctor know that he wanted to take a break from chemo through the rest of the year and asked if he could get another scan at the end of the year. The doctor agreed to that and Scott pulled up the calendar on his phone and said, "How about December 23rd?" "You want to do it before Christmas?" asked the doctor. "No!" I replied before Scott could. "How about the 30th?" "Sounds good," said the doc, so we scheduled it for then. I also mentioned that we'd probably come to his office to get the scan because the one closer to us doesn't have people there who can access a port. The doctor said he would mention that to someone and suggest they train more people at that location to be able to access a port. "That will be very helpful, thank you," I said. We left an hour later, instead of four hours. It was a great feeling. 

So, in a nutshell, Scott will not receive any more chemo treatments this year and he'll get another scan on the 30th, and we'll meet with the doc after the beginning of the year and reassess. The doctor said he would put aside personal feelings about Scott's decision and hope that the tumor didn't increase in size during the lapse in treatment. It's not really a lapse in treatment - he'll still continue to do all the natural stuff he's been doing - it's just a lapse in chemo. I hope it's forever, but know it's a personal decision that only Scott can make. All I know is, if I ever get cancer, I will not get chemo. I don't want to poison my body! Call me a weirdo, a quack, one of "those" people, but I won't do it to myself. Traditional medicine is not the only way to treat cancer. This will be a good opportunity for us to see how these natural treatments alone are helping him fight the cancer.    

The next day the kids were out of school for fall break, and the day after that we headed about 3 hours north of us to enjoy some family fun at a lake house that belongs to a friend. It was beautiful! We had fun, despite the cold; autumn seriously only lasted about a week until winter decided to come, so the second day we were there the snow came and we didn't go outside too much. We definitely want to go back in the summer. There are so many things to do there. 

Since we've been home, Scott has been catching up on work. He worked for twelve hours yesterday; I told him it's ok to take a break. He has seemed really tired and sullen for the last few days. I think his body is on detox from the chemo. 

So that's the latest folks! Sorry I made you wait. So many people have asked me in the past week what the results are. I'm really trying to be better about staying current on this, but life happens. Love to all!

Chemo Day

All this stuff is yesterday's news by now, as it happened yesterday! 😆

Did you ever watch that show Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines on HGTV? Do you remember how Chip would get so excited on Demo Day, and he'd go around shouting/singing/declaring "It's Demo Day?!" Yah I think I have the exact opposite reaction when it's chemo day! Seeing as how this might be Scott's last chemo for a while (hopefully forever), I was planning on going with him, even though it was the off week with the doctor. I even said no to an appointment with my mother in order to have the morning free to spend with him. Well, let me tell you, my body had another idea!

We were all ready to go at 7:30 AM for his 8:00 AM appointment. After the kids left for school we drove down to his appointment and as I was pulling into the parking lot, my stomach began cramping up. It was like really painful indigestion mixed with menstrual cramps. I figured my breakfast didn't agree with me and it would pass. We went inside and he got checked in and as we went to the waiting area, I felt like I was going to pass out! The pain was so bad! I couldn't sit down; I couldn't stand up straight. I just kind of wriggled there in the waiting room, trying to find a comfortable position, hoping it would pass. Scott told me I should go home and get some rest and he'd call me when he was done. I didn't want to. I had planned to be here with him. My stupid body wasn't going to stop me.  After about 30 more seconds of painful abdominal cramps, I decided it was best if I went home and tried to rest. I kissed him goodbye and left just as they called him back. We were right by the hospital; I was tempted to just go into the ER and see if they could help me! I decided to just tough it out on the drive home. That was very uncomfortable! I could feel my face and head getting really hot and I started to sweat. I started to feel nauseous and like I was going to throw up. I decided if it didn't pass after I turned the corner I would pull over and puke on the side of the road. The nausea subsided long enough for me to get home, but just barely. Luckily we don't live that far from the hospital, but it was still a long three minutes! I tried to breath deep even breaths to keep my body relaxed ans I drove home. When I arrived home, I bolted upstairs and made a beeline to the toilet! Nothing came up, despite my continued cramping and nauseous feelings. I stayed in the bathroom a few more minutes and then decided to get the heating pad and go lay down.

I put the heating pad on my stomach and lay in the fetal position in my bed for about an hour. The pain subsided after about ten minutes. I just lay in bed and rested and wondered what was going on! Was I having sympathy pains for our daughter and her ovarian cyst, or was it an actual cyst that had burst? Did I have a bladder infection or UTI? Did I have some weird bowel obstruction, or a tumor on my colon that was flaring up? Or was it just some weird psychosomatic thing that manifested itself in response to Scott's chemo day? Whatever it was, I felt a lot better a couple of  hours later when Scott called saying he was done and asked if I could pick him up.

Whatever was going on, it went away! So weird! I'm still trying to process it all and learn what I need to from this. It was really nice to just lay in bed and relax and contemplate things. I don't do that much, but that's kind of on purpose. It's easier to just stay so busy that I don't have time to think about it.

Scan #3 is scheduled for October 15th. Please send prayers, good thoughts and vibes, warm fuzzies, etc., our way in the meantime. Meanwhile, we'll just keep doing what we're doing - trying to eat healthy, continue to learn new things about how to treat cancer naturally, continue to improve our overall health, enjoy spending time with each other (for the most part) and trying to notice God's tender mercies in our lives. Here are some that have happened since my last post:

• A sweet neighbor and friend delivered a big bouquet of flowers to our daughter and gave me some delicious, healthy chocolate because she knew we needed a pick me up. 
• A friend who I occasionally visit with texted and suggested we get together since it has been a while. We were able to get together today and enjoyed a lovely walk together as we visited about everything under the sun and then some more. 
• A random neighbor left a bag of delicious nectarines on our front porch and another one delivered some cookies as a thank you to our 11-year-old son who delivered some to his house with his scout troop last week. I love people's goodness.😊 

Miscellaneous ramblings

As I write this, my kids are "settling" into bed, (yah right, they'll only be settled when they are fast asleep), while my husband IS fast asleep. (It's not even 9:00 PM.) He went for a run today and tripped on the uneven concrete and fell. I admire his desire to stay active, but maybe just walking or stretching or yoga will be a little less hazardous. I hope we can find something to help him feel like he can exercise a little bit; he feels useless and isn't used to such a sedentary lifestyle. I hope he gets some good rest. He'll be up at 5:00 AM, as usual. It's OK to sleep in if you're not feeling well.

Here are some updates since his last chemo treatment: His CEA number (the number that measures his liver tumor activity) has risen a bit in the last few months. The lowest it's ever been was 47; at the last doctor's visit it was in the 70s. The doctor isn't too concerned about it, if it were in the 100s, maybe. It's an easy way to measure the vitality of the tumor instead of doing a scan every month. We talk to him again on October 16th, two days after Scott's next scan.

He finished all the Vitamin C infusions; the naturopath doctor wants him to continue doing them until after the next scan, if not even longer. We sent in the receipt to our medical insurance company for a possible reimbursement. They wouldn't cover it initially, (surprise, surprise!) so we're hoping if we submit the paperwork correctly they will. It was close to $1000 for all the supplies and the medicine. Have I mentioned how much I wish we could just be covered for all of our medical expenses? Insurance premiums are through the roof and it only covers some things?! It's the dumbest thing ever.

We found out a little over a week ago that our daughter has an ovarian cyst! She was in so much pain during and after her menstrual cycle and was throwing up about every other day for two weeks! I finally took her the doctor to see what was going on. He was very thorough and asked a gazillion questions (which I'm grateful for) and ordered an ultrasound and blood work. So last Friday night was fun! Instead of going to a friend's son's wedding reception, we were getting tests done at the hospital. All the blood work came back normal and the only thing they found was a super small cyst on her left ovary. We followed up with an OB the next week and she suggested birth control or an IUD to help lessen the cramping. We're also going to Scott's naturopath doc to see if he has other suggestions on how to prevent them in the first place, or control the symptoms.

She felt well enough to go to the homecoming dance last Saturday, eight days after her hospital adventure. She went with a boy whom she befriended on the first day of school; he was sitting all alone at lunch and she invited him to come eat lunch with her group. This is his first year at the school so he doesn't know any of the kids. He has been homeschooled for most of his life due to health problems. Asking her out was a big deal for him; it was his first date. She was hesitant to say yes at first because of his social awkwardness, but I am proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone and seeing the best in him. They had a wonderful time and she said he was the perfect gentleman.

We enjoyed a dance concert tonight for my nephew. As we were driving to his high school, a song came on the radio that our whole family enjoys and our daughter and 11-year-old son began to sing the words together. If I hadn't been driving, I would have recorded it. Their voices blended really well together and they kept looking at each other and smiling as they belted it out in parts. Cherish these precious moments, I reminded myself.

The kiddos are now all asleep; I'm fighting to stay awake myself. So my departing thoughts are these:

• Earlier this week I watched Wonder Woman with my boys and it reminded me yet again that love can change the world and through it we can find our strength. 
• Today Kelly Clarkson sang on the radio "I'm Broken and it's Beautiful." It was very empowering. We're all just a bunch of broken people doing the best we can. Embrace your "brokenness" and use it to help uplift others. 

Peace out, good night! :)

Dusting off the blog shelf

Ok, it's been WAY too long since I've posted. I realized recently why that is. I'm working with a life coach, who is phenomenal, by the way, and in a recent session she mentioned that in our life we have buffers, which are like ways for us to escape from all the stress and anxiety of life. These can be things like substance abuse, binge watching TV/movies, shopping, social media, and NOT doing something productive because you claim you don't have time. WHOA! MIND BLOWN! That was a major light bulb moment for me! Why am I not updating my blog? Because I have to think about this big life circumstance when I do it and I don't want to, so I'll just escape to social media or the busyness of life. The life coach then went on to instruct us how to make goals to eliminate or lessen the time we spend on these buffers in our life. As a result of this guidance, I have made a goal to update this thing at least weekly. It's ok if it's not very long, if it's not grammatically perfect, or if it doesn't make sense. I just need to do it, not just to keep everyone updated, but also to release the stress/frustration/anxiety that I/we experience from this. And if I don't update regularly, I get calls/texts/emails from concerned, loving friends and family members wondering if everything is all right. (Thank you for those, by the way). So here's to re-commitment.

I think chemo #16 is this Wednesday, but honestly I've lost count. I know we talk to the doctor that day. All the treatments seem to mesh into one; it's just our life now. The plan for now is that Scott will do a few more chemo treatments until the next scan next month, and no matter what the results are, he's going to take a break. He's been a total rockstar through this whole process - bearing patiently through all the discomfort and pain, and always with a smile on his face. 😊 We celebrated Scott's 46th birthday in style last month; I threw him a surprise party and invited the whole neighborhood plus his office plus all of the family. There were about 200 people there total and I think he really felt loved - that was the intent anyway.

I've been giving him Vitamin C infusions at home, per his naturopath doctor's orders. We have two nurse friends in our neighborhood who have come to help every time and they have been great. I can do it myself, I would just prefer that someone else pokes him.  We had one scheduled last week and neither one was able to come and we couldn't reschedule, so I did it, and, if I do say so myself, I did a good job! It's definitely not something I ever thought I would do, but when something needs to be done, I  figure out a way to do it. He has four more treatments to do, and then we'll follow up with the naturopath to see what's next.

We met with the cancer specialists shortly after the last scan. He doesn't qualify for any trial medication as of right now because the current medication seems to be working to shrink the tumors. The trial meds are only if the current meds don't work. The doctors at the specialty clinic were all very friendly and thorough and we felt extra special when we were there. They went over all the scan results when we were there and it was really helpful to see them side by side to see the progress of the tumor shrinkage. And the best part of the visit is that the doctor is from Spain, and since both Scott and I speak Spanish, we got to speak Spanish with him. That was fun! 😉

I've listened to (since I don't have time to sit down and read) two really cool books since I last posted. The first one is called Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis and the second one is called Educated by Tara Westover. They're both so good! They are the real life experiences of these women and their process of self-discovery. I admire them so much for being vulnerable and opening up about their lives, hardships and growth through these experiences. I remember telling a friend a while ago that I'd like to make my blog into a book someday, and she said she'd buy it. That was super validating for me. I'm glad I have these two great examples to turn to, as well as many others, of weathering the storm and coming out stronger on the other side.

I think I'm FINALLY at peace with being released as the Young Women's President. That may seem like it took a long time (Gosh, just get over it already, was a constant thought in my head for months!), but it took as long as it needed to for me. Going to church was already hard enough without Scott, and now that I didn't have the girls as my soft place to fall, it was even worse. I honestly questioned what was the point in attending if I couldn't be with them. Then one day in the kitchen, I had an epiphany. All of my hurt feelings and resentment and sadness were just gone. I shared this with my daughter. "Good job, Mom!" she said and gave me a fist bump. I also had a conversation with a ward leader about how I was still struggling with trying to understand why this happened and felt like I was short-changed because I wasn't in as long as I thought I should be. His comforting words helped me to realize that I can still be there for the girls, just in a more passive way. That's really hard to step back from it when you were so invested in them, I think. But just because you don't have the calling, doesn't mean you can't minister and touch their lives in a way that only you can. Even though my heart still longs to be with them at the weekly activities (they were seriously the highlight of my week) and in the Sunday lessons (which are so incredibly spiritual as a small group), I know that my influence can still extend to them in other ways. They will always have a special place in my heart and will always be "my girls." 💗

More things that I've learned since this journey began:

• Having the heart to heart conversations aren't always easy, but they're so worth it.
• Sometimes unplugging and just goofing off together is the best therapy. 
• Hiring a housekeeper and a life coach are two of the best decisions I've ever made. 
• Strength is not something you have, it's something you find! 😁

Scan results and treatment #13

They are in! The scan results are in! Thank you everyone for waiting patiently. We found out the results last week but had to wait a painstaking eight days to review them with the doctor. I think next time we will get the scan the day before we meet with the doctor. It's too much anxiety for me. A facebook post on a page I follow for colon cancer patients and caregivers affectionately coined the phrase as "scanxiety." Well, I definitely had that this week, let me tell you. I had the worst stomach ache a few nights ago and I couldn't sleep, the pain was so bad! I better not have cancer, I kept thinking! I was fine by the next day, a little sleep deprived, but my stomach felt a lot better.

Scott has had 12 treatments, and that's the end of treatment for stage 1-3 cancer. Since he has stage 4, there's not really an end date, but we can still decide how we want to proceed after this 12th treatment. We had the written and visual results of his scan, but couldn't decipher much of either, so we really had a lot of questions for the doctor. Today is also the day when we decide if we want to switch doctors, because we're a little frustrated with this one.

We sat down with the doctor, and he apologized for being late as usual, although today he wasn't as late. We got down to business and started reviewing results. He was VERY thorough and he showed us the visual results and went over the written results as we reviewed the visual results. He's not a radiologist and can't decipher everything, but to the best of his knowledge, pointed out the parts that corresponded to the written report. There are still multiple lesions/tumors/implants (apparently those words all mean the same thing) in the lungs but they are stable - meaning that they are not increasing in size and there are no new ones. The tumor(s) in the liver (this report said there were more than one, so we're a little confused because we thought there was only one) are shrinking and are also considered stable, and ..... drumroll, please .... there is no evidence of a tumor in the colon! 😲😁😀😊👏 WOW! Are you serious! Wahoo!

So the doctor explained it in this way. The tumor in the colon was the original tumor and that is like the barn. The other smaller tumors that have spread are like the cows who have escaped the barn. We need to kill off or contain the cows, which can still multiply and cause more baby cows (tumors). But for now, they all seem to be contained.

Then the doctor asked us how we wanted to proceed. Scott told him he's sick of the neuropathy and does not want to keep taking the drug that causes it. The doctor said he was going to suggest that anyway. Most people can't last through twelve treatments of it and he didn't think Scott should continue on that regimen any longer. So, after discussing several options, we decided that he would take a break from three chemo drugs together for at least a month, and we would eliminate the neuropathy one altogether. He will still take the other two chemo drugs, and in a month we will decide if he will take a different drug to replace the neuropathy-causing one. This one will cause hair loss, but Scott doesn't care. His hair has been thinning for a while now and he accepts that it's just eventually going to happen. He is such a good sport and has such a positive attitude. I love him so much.

We also asked the doctor if he could be put on a list for a new trial drug and he said he would refer him to the top cancer center in the state for a consult. They will discuss with us how they think his treatment should continue and if he qualifies to be put on a trial. Yay! I've wanted this from day one and am SO happy that THAT prayer has been answered. 

So, to recap quickly, we will not be changing doctors; we feel like he really took the time today to explain things and that he really cares about us and our situation and is doing all he can to help us. The CT scan could not find a tumor in the colon; if it's still there, the only way to know for sure is if he has another colonoscopy. We will consult with the doctors at the other cancer center and also with the original GI doc who did his colonoscopy to see when would be a good time to do that. We will also consult with new doctors to see if he qualifies for a clinical trial. The other tumors are stable. He won't take the neuropathy-causing drug anymore, but will still have chemo treatments every two weeks. We will meet with the doctor a month from now and decide to introduce the new chemo drug or not. The doctor also prescribed a drug that can help lessen the pain associated with the neouropathy that he is experiencing, and can continue to experience for some time. We've talked to several people who have experienced neuropathy due to chemo, and one person's lasted for a year and another one's has never gone away! 😥 We're hoping for the former.

Thank you everyone so much for all your thoughts and prayers. We can actually feel them! I can't really explain it, but just know they're helping us. We still have a long road ahead of us, but we are starting to see a light at the end. We are strong and getting stronger every day. We love each other so much and are strengthening our relationships every day. We are learning so much about things that we never thought we'd have to, but that's life, yah? You just have to roll with the punches. Love to all of you. Please keep reading.

Scan #2

It’s been forever since I’ve posted. I have 22 posts so far, and 22 people read it!  Haha! I don’t look forward to posting like I used to. It just seems like a chore now, like one more thing to check off the to-do list (not like I make them, anyway, but hopefully you get the point).

Scott has had two more chemo treatments since my last post, for a total of 12. His next scan is in two days. Blah blah blah! It’s just our new normal. I don’t even know what I want to expect. Of course, I want to expect that everything will have shrunk (again), but you just never know with this stupid disease that has a mind of its own.

At Scott’s 11th treatment, which was 4 days after we got home from Hawaii, we mentioned to the nurse how our explanation of benefits (EOB) statements that we receive every so often list the price of all the chemo drugs, and one of them is $6000! Our deductible is $8000, way to meet it after one treatment. “$6000 is nothing,” she says. “I’ve seen some as much as $20,000.” That’s absolutely ridiculous. Affordable health care, my butt! How can that even be legal for big pharma to even charge that much?! 😳 How do these people sleep at night?
Also, at treatment #11, there was a special needs lady there who was getting treatment herself, and her dad was on the chair next to her. So sad! She was very emotional and she was expressing her feelings about the whole process to the nurses, but loudly enough that many people could overhear. "I'm scared about what the scans will say. What if the treatment doesn't work? Why does my daddy have to have cancer too? Thank you for being so kind to me; you are such a good friend." The nurses were so reassuring to her and comforting. She was saying all of the things that I wish I could say out loud, but it would be weird if I did, because I'm "normal" and don't have special needs.Maybe one of these days I just won't care what other people think and say what I'm thinking out loud like this sweet special lady did.
The doctor lowered the dosage on one of the medications, per Scott's request. The neuropathy is really getting to him and he's tired of having numb, tingly, cold feet all the time. We're hoping the lowered dose will lessen his symptoms, but we'll see. His tumor marker number is in double digits now, down from quadruple. That's supposed to mean that the tumor is dying; we'll see what the scan shows.

For chemo #12, he went by himself. I only go with him when we talk to the doctor. Judge all you want; I can't be there for everything.

Scan Day - I hate scan days. Too much waiting. Besides waiting to hear the results, his appointment is later in the day, so we have to wait for that too! During my morning errands, I hear The Eye of the Tiger on the radio. I blast it and call Scott so he can listen; it's one of his favorites. One line of lyric sticks out to me: Just a man and his will to survive! It has different meaning now. When we go to the center and he gets ready to go back, the nurse tells us there may not be anyone there who can access his port.Really? You can't be serious. That is something we'll have to check on in the future; we just assumed every nurse would know how to do it, especially if they work in radiology, when cancer patients get scanned all the time, many of who have ports.
The nurse gets his info and goes to try to find someone who can access a port; I asked if she could. No luck. Scott has to get stuck! Scott hates needles. He can't be elevated in any way when he gets poked or he will get light headed and faint. He requests to lie down and she proceeds to stick him. No luck. She got a valve, instead of a vein. So she tried the other arm, again no luck. She gets a radiology tech to come see if he can find one. He finds one in his hand and he has success, but OUCH! I've had an IV in my hand when I had my babies and they hurt! I'm glad they FINALLY found a vein. We'll definitely request someone who can access a port for next time. We request a copy of his scans so far and they give us a CD. I wish I could read them, but maybe if we bring it to the doctor's office next week, he can help us decipher it. Scott will call tomorrow for the written results. I hope we can sleep tonight.

Celebrating 20 years in Hawaii

The long awaited 20th anniversary trip to Hawaii is finally here! We went with my sister and her husband also. They were married six weeks before us, bless our mom's heart for all the work she did to do two weddings in less than two months!😲 Kudos to her and her sister for all their help.
Here's a brief rundown of the week's events.

Day 1 - Saturday, June 15, 2019
Our plane left at 11:30 AM, our time, and landed in Hawaii at 1:30 PM their time. It was a non-stop flight (thank goodness!), for a total of six hours. They're 4 hours behind us, so when we landed it was 5:30 our time. I joked how awesome it was that we got to go back in time that day! 😂 I was looking forward to getting off the plane and getting the "Welcome to Hawaii" with the lei being placed around your neck. That didn't happen! What the heck! I guess they used to but don't now for security reasons. Stupid 9/11! We were ready for dinner when we landed, and since we were staying in a condo with a full kitchen, we had to go grocery shopping anyway, so we headed to Costco after we picked up the rental car to get dinner and groceries. Did you know that the Costco food court prices are the same nationwide?  One of my co-workers mentioned that before we left and so we took advantage of that piece of advice. Thanks, you know you are!  😉 After eating and shopping we headed to our condo, only to find out that there was no shampoo or conditioner in our room! What the heck?! That is so dumb! I called down the front desk and asked for some and they said they didn't provide it, just the soap. So another trip to the grocery store we took to get that and some smaller, non-bulk, items that we needed. At the check out line, the cashier, after very slowly scanning our groceries while munching on organic gummy bears (I think they were "special" organic gummy bears), 😂 asked if I wanted a bag. "Uh yah," I said, while thinking Isn't it standard procedure to get a bag for your groceries? Then I asked if there was a charge for them and she replied that it would be $0.15 each. I told her I'd take two bags and the guy behind us in line said, "Welcome to Hawaii!", while chuckling. More like California, I thought. I guess they're not the only state that charges for plastic bags. Well, at least we got welcomed to Hawaii, even if it wasn't the way I imagined! We headed back to our condo and by this time it was about 8:00 PM Hawaii time, which was midnight, our time. We were so exhausted we went to bed. We didn't see the beach once during our travels and couldn't see it from our condo, even though it was close, so between the lack of lei at the airport and not seeing the beach, it didn't feel like we were even in Hawaii. Hopefully we'll feel like it tomorrow, I think as I drift off to sleep.

Day 2 - Sunday, June 16, 2019
We woke up at 4:00 AM because we went to bed so early. Haha! That day we were planning on attending church (What, you go to church on vacation? Yes, we still go. It's important and we don't use vacation as an excuse to not go! And when you're visiting a ward, it's fun to see how the members in a different congregation interact with each other, and with you. The gospel is the same everywhere, even if the people are different). I digress. Anyway, we were planing on attending church with a former mission companion of mine. In the late 90's, when I was in my early twenties, I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Puerto Rico, an experience that I still treasure to this day. It was such a learning and growing experience, (so much different than this one!) I met so many wonderful people and learned so much about myself and the gospel. And I got to serve on a tropical island, which was a big bonus! 🏝❤ As part of that mission, we have companions who we serve with together, usually for about a couple of months, could be shorter or longer. These companions are with you 24/7. You live together, teach together, and hopefully learn together and get along. This particular companion of mine was brand new to the mission so I was her trainer and she was my "greenie." I was her  mission "mom" and she was my "daughter." I got to teach her the ropes of being a missionary. I think we just had fun getting to know each other while we were together because she already knew the language and how to teach the lessons. All I had to do was show her around our area and tell her about the people we were teaching. I couldn't have asked for a better "daughter". I guess we got along ok 😉 because she was fine with us going to church with her and hanging out with us after at her house. Church was great and it was wonderful to be with those Hawaiian saints. It  was Father's Day that Sunday so the men got to enjoy a delicious slice of pie before Sunday School. We headed to my "daughter's" house after for lunch and visiting.
We were officially welcomed to Hawaii at her house, after a delicious meal. She had gotten us leis made out of nuts that looked like big black beads. She placed them on our head and gave us a hug and a kiss on the cheek, the traditional Hawaiian greeting. Awwww! It was so sweet and thoughtful. We had a wonderful time reminiscing about mission memories and she gave us some good pointers about fun places to go on the island. And we enjoyed several games of UNO and she kicked our butts three games in a row.😒 We had a great time. Te quiero, mi hija!

 

Here's a picture of us in front of her cute house, with my awesome lei.

Monday, June 17, 2019
Today we went to Pearl Harbor. It was a surreal experience. My grandfather, who turned 98 on the 23rd of this month, is a WWII veteran and he was stationed on the USS Enterprise, an aircraft carrier that was stationed about 200 miles away from Pearl Harbor when the attacks happened. He came later when they received the news and was on the "clean up crew." 😥 When I told my dad we were going there, he asked me to send him pictures so he could show his dad. "He's fine with it now. He couldn't talk about it though until about 20 years ago." That made my heart sink. What these men had to endure during that time is unimaginable to me.
We watched a short film describing the history of the attacks, what led up to it, the reasons why the Japanese attacked, and the aftermath. I don't think there was a dry eye in the theater when the movie was over. Then we headed out on a boat to see the USS Arizona. That is the main boat that was attacked and had the most casualties. The boat sank and is still there in the harbor, many bodies never recovered and still inside. A floating memorial was built horizontal to the ship as a tribute to the brave men who lost their lives that day. The main memorial is closed right now for repairs, so we couldn't go inside, but we could take a boat ride out there to see it as we listened to an audio presentation about the memorial. One thing that stood out to me is when they said that there is still oil leaking from the boat (which is carefully monitored by environmental groups to protect the fish and game) called "black tears, in remembrance of the fallen crew members. It is believed that when the last survivor of the Arizona passes away, the black tears will stop. Another cool thing is the choice that is offered to the survivors for when they pass away. They may choose to have their ashes scattered at the site so they can be buried with their brothers. The presentation said that most veterans choose this option. What a somber, reverent, incredible experience this was and gave me such respect for these valiant and brave men who fought to preserve our country's freedom.
We also toured a submarine and a battleship called the USS Missouri. Scott was in his heyday for that! He loved the big guns and all the cool stuff that was on there. It took us an hour to tour the boat, and that was only two decks! That thing is huge! It was a long, hot day, but I'm so glad that we went. That is a bucket list item if you're ever in Oahu.

USS Arizona memorial. The rusty part sticking
out of the water is the sunken boat.

Inside the submarine. Them's some
tight sleeping quarters!

I wouldn't mind shooting cancer's butt with this thing!

With the deck gun on the submarine.

Them's some big guns!

Beautiful Pearl Harbor

Happy 20 years to us!

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

So 20 years ago on this day, we went and got married. We were just two young kids who were crazy in love and couldn't wait to start their lives together. Who would have imagined that twenty years later we'd be wishing for 20 more together and hoping this is not our last one? Anyways, every year on our anniversary, we return to the temple, where we were married not just for time, but were sealed for eternity. We know we'll be together after we die. This gives us great comfort as we face this challenge together. On our anniversary, we perform sealing ordinances for those who have gone before us. This reminds us of the covenants we made on our wedding day and we can help others who cannot perform these ordinances during their mortal lives. So, we went and did sealings at the temple in Laie, Oahu today. It was awesome! What a special time to share as a couple, and it was so great to have my sister and brother-in-law there too. I'm so glad we can share experiences like this together. Here's some pics from outside after we finished.

After the temple we headed to the Polynesian Cultural Center just down the street. That was the highlight of the trip! Wow! Another bucket list item! Here's some pics from that. 

Hang loose dudes! That symbol originated here.

With our fish and fishing lines that we made in Samoa!

Real life Moana!

Dancing on a canoe. Pretty dang cool!

My sister and I swinging poi balls in New Zealand.

With the dancers from the Cook Islands. They were awesome!

The pig for the luau BBQ that night. 

A dancer at the luau, right in front of our table.

Since my birthday was that month,
I got to go up on stage and show off my hula moves.
Scott and I also went up and did an anniversary dance.

It was a busy, fun-filled day and we were exhausted when we got back, seeing as how it was 2:00 AM our time. We were looking forward to sleeping in and spending a relaxing day on the beach tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019
We slept in today and then went to Waikiki Beach in the late morning/early afternoon. It was wonderful to just sit and not have to do anything. We enjoyed playing in the ocean; the water was fantastic. It was a bit crowded, but we were fine feeling like tourists for a bit. Isn't that what we were? 😆
We went shopping after the beach for souvenirs to bring home to the kiddos. Scott got a Hawaiian shirt and I found T-shirts for everyone, and a new swim suit for myself - mine was really stretched out and it was time for a new one. I also got matching dresses for my daughter and I. We enjoyed lunch and the local mall food court. I had a local favorite called Loco Moco; it's like a bunless hamburger topped with an egg with a side of rice. Yum!
We had a wonderful relaxing day. Here's some pics of that day.

Waikiki Beach!

Loco Moco! It was really good!

Matching dresses. 

Thursday, June 20, 2019

More beaches today! This time on the North Shore; people say they're better than Waikiki, less crowded. We're excited about that. On our way to the North Shore, we went to the Dole pineapple plantation. We went on a train ride with an audio tour about the place; most of the pineapple you find in any grocery stores come from Hawaii. It was a fun, relaxing ride. After that, we went to a pineapple cutting demonstration. Wow! I guess I can get rid of my Pampered Chef pineapple slicer. It's way easier to cut pineapple than I thought. I bought a pineapple when we got home, but haven't sliced it yet. Maybe later tonight I'll show the kids how it's done and we'll enjoy refreshing pineapple. 

After the Dole plantation, we headed to the North Shore. We planned on snorkeling at Shark's Cove, but it was very crowded, so we kept driving and found a beach called Sunset Beach. Wow! It was gorgeous! People were right; the North Shore Beaches are way better. We found a shady spot under a tree and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon playing in the water and relaxing on the beach. Enjoy these pics!

Pineapple and chocolate?! My two favorite foods. We found some chocolate covered pineapple in the store, purchased it, and devoured it quickly. And we enjoyed Dole Whips too. So good!

My sister and I being silly after the train ride.

More silliness!

Beautiful Sunset Beach.

I love the beach!

This could be a postcard. Look at those clouds! So gorgeous!

Enjoying my happy place in my new swimsuit.

Friday, June 21, 2019

My sister and brother-in-law found a fun place to go kayaking today. It was for a decent price, which is hard to find in Hawaii. The main road was closed due to a landslide earlier that year, so we had to take a slight detour, and there were no signs, much to the frustration of my engineer husband. Sounds like they need a new director of engineering in Hawaii; when are we moving?! 😆

We got to the kayaking place and they showed us fun places to go. We decided on a place with snorkeling since we couldn't do that yesterday. After a short drive, we were on our way. The water was really calm, so the kayaking was fairly easy. I was worried about Scott's energy, but he was doing just fine. All week, he had walked faster than all of us. He was definitely enjoying the month off chemo. We kayaked out to a sand bar, tied down the boats, and started snorkeling. My sister and brother-in-law had never gone before, but they enjoyed it, after I adjusted my sister's mask (it wasn't tight enough, she kept getting water up her nose). Here's some pics from that adventure. Scott and my bro-in-law saw a big sea turtle, but I had the camera during that time and he couldn't get my attention, so he swam around and followed it. 

My sis and bro-in-law.

This is the only one of us in the kayak. Sorry about the water spot.

Ready for snorkeling! Haha!

After kayaking, we kept driving around the island, and we went to a lighthouse and thought we were going to enjoy a flat, paved hike, according to Google. That was not the case! It was paved, but not flat! We thought about not doing it; the men were pretty tired and worn out. We decided to bite the bullet and hike to the top ot see the lighthouse. It was during the middle of the day; we were really hot, but we made it and the view from the top was amazing. The breeze picked up for the hike down, so it was a lot more pleasant. Here's some pics from our hike.

Panoramic view from the trail.

Beautiful lighthouse.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

It's our last day here! 😭 I want to stay here forever. It's so beautiful. We checked out of our condo as late as possible, because our plane didn't leave until that evening, so we had a lot of time to kill before heading to the airport.  We went to an outdoor swap meet at Aloha stadium. We got some more souvenirs for the kids, Hawaiian shirts for the boys so they could have one just like Dad. I got an ice cold coconut, something I'd wanted all week and just didn't have a chance to find one. My sister got one too and we enjoyed a refreshing treat. Scott enjoyed being in the stadium. We were super hot after and didn't want to get more hot, so we decided to get lunch somewhere cool and spend the rest of the day indoors and enjoy the air conditioning. We headed to the mall and found a movie theater and watched the new Men in Black movie. Chris Hemsworth is really nice eye candy; that was about all I liked about the movie, oh, and the seats were really comfy. We enjoyed the A/C during the movie, then headed to the airport and waited for our 8:30 PM flight. Scott was the only one who slept on the flight; the rest of us got a few hours when we arrived home early Sunday morning. This was such a wonderful memory and I'm so glad we got to enjoy this special time together. 

Scott enjoying the massage chair at the mall. 

Ice cold coconut water. Yum!

44 things I've learned

It has been a really long time since I've posted. Most of the time, I just don't want to, because I'd rather watch a movie, or sleep, or go for a walk, or one of my kids needs something, or any number of other things. And it takes a long time to me to write these posts because once I get going, I can't stop, or the creative juices stop flowing, and I don't have big chunks of time to focus on my posts.

And nothing really has changed since my last post - at least not with Scott's treatment. He still does chemo every two weeks (although he's skipping this treatment cause we'll be in Hawaii!) 😁 He still has neuropathy, gets really tired, can't go out in public too often, and if he does, he should wear a mask. We are so looking forward to Hawaii when we can just sit on the beach all day and do absolutely nothing if we want to (and reapply sunscreen every hour also). Scott has a double whammy with that one because he already needs gobs of it since he's soooooo white and chemo treatments make you more sensitive to the sun. Whatever! We'll just slather, rest, repeat.

Ok, so in a previous post I mentioned that I might do a blog post on my birthday about the things I've learned throughout my life, but more recently as we've faced this obstacle. And those things would correspond with the number of years I've been alive, which today, June 11, is 44. So, here goes!
(These are not in order of importance, just my brain dump as I randomly think about things.)

1. There is nothing more important than family. Period. If there is a family member in your life that you wish you had a better relationship with, or any relationship with, for that matter, do what you need to do to build that relationship. You never know how much time you'll have with them.
2.  Good friends come in a close second. These are the kinds of friends who you can tell anything to and there will be no judgment on their part. These are the friends who will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, and you won't be offended and know they are saying it out of love. These are the friends who are there for you no matter what and who you can not talk to in forever and then when you do talk to them again, it's like nothing's changed and you just pick up where you left off. Every person deserves to have at least ONE of these friends in their life; multiple ones are good too. 
3. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have a friend who is going through cancer herself tell me this early on in this journey. The little things, like if your kids (or spouse) leave their socks on the floor, or if the dishes don't happen to get done one day, IT'S OKAY! We just need to enjoy each other and laugh and love each other. And sometimes the small things, like stopping to smell the roses, turn into the big, important things. If you can get out and take a brief walk because that's all you have the energy for that day and you happen to smell the flowers along the way, then celebrate that! :)
4. No one is perfect, INCLUDING YOU! (So stop trying to live up to an impossibility!) People say things, or do things, out of concern and love, and sometimes even ignorance, but we choose to be offended over those things or not. Just let people love you and life is pretty sweet. 
5. It's ok to ask for help. As human beings, we are naturally inclined to help others. It makes us feel good. So let people help you, and help others, and you'll feel good. It's a win win!
6. Stop trying to control everything! No one's happy when this happens. The controller is stressed out, anxious, mad, etc., when things don't go as expected and the things or people being controlled are frustrated because they feel like they're being treated as children and that the controller doesn't trust them to make their own decisions. We can only control ourselves. Everything else is out of our control, so accept it and work on how to improve yourself. 
7. You can't do everything yourself, and no one expects you to, so stop trying, and then feeling guilty about it when you can't. I hired a cleaning lady because I'd rather spend my free time doing things I enjoy, and cleaning is not one of them. While it's true that we should still balance our time between work and leisure, if you have the resources to allow someone to share their talents or skills with you, go for it. Whether it's hiring a cleaning lady, a personal trainer, a therapist or life coach, a chef (that one would be really nice), or whatever, do what helps you stay sane and care for yourself. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first, and that's NOT selfish!
8. Notice the small miracles that happen in your life. My tender mercies post was me doing this. It's pretty dang awesome when we focus on the positive and stop wallowing in self-pity. Heavenly Father wants to bless us so much, and He does, and when we can notice that He does, it makes life that much sweeter. 
9. What makes you happy isn't necessarily what makes everyone else happy. Really? I thought everyone enjoys binge watching Netflix in their jammies, or going for a midnight food run, or going to a trampoline park, or going to a smash room to relieve frustration, or exercising for at least an hour a day, or reading, or doing family history work, or listening to music and doing a killer lip sync along with it, or yelling at their kids (actually I don't think anyone enjoys that one)! That's what makes this world so special is that everyone is different. When we discover what we really enjoy doing and use it to bless our lives and other's lives, than we can truly excel. As for me, I'm still discovering my passions and believe it will be a lifelong pursuit. (Hint: some of these things I enjoy doing, and some I don't. Whoever can guess which ones will be promoted to the GOOD friend list I mentioned in #2)🤔😊
10. Having quiet moments can be scary, but are worth it (I think). Since this whole thing started, I haven't wanted to be alone with my thoughts, 'cause they tend to run rampant and I'm already kind of a pessimist and don't want to focus on the negative even more. I try to stay busy so I'm not alone with my thoughts. My therapist says it's good for me to meditate and process these emotions I'm experiencing; it's a daily struggle. 
11. The doctor's advice about eating right and exercising and getting enough sleep is actually true! This one's pretty self-explanatory, although it would be nice if we could just take a magic pill every once in a while.
12. Don't ever ignore a "gut feeling", no pun intended. Some people call it a prompting from the Holy Ghost, some people call it intuition, some people call it an instinct or a "gut feeling." Whatever you call it, we all have the innate ability to sense when things just aren't quite right. If you have a feeling to call or text a friend, bring a meal or a treat to that lonely neighbor, smile at someone in the grocery store, bring flowers to someone, whatever, just do it. You are guaranteed to brighten someone's day, and it helps you forget about your problems for a while. 
13. You can't please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and that is their problem. Don't waste time trying to get them to. Just be yourself.
14. Everything's better with chocolate. No further explanation needed for this one. 
15. Life hardly ever goes how you think it will or want it to. Ain't that the truth? So what are you going to do about it? Put on your big girl (or boy) panties and create your own happiness.
16. God places people and circumstances in your life in order for you to learn from it. So stop resisting and figure out what it is you're supposed to.
17. Human beings are innately good. Accept other people's help graciously. You won't seem like such a jerk and you may gain some new friends in the process.
18. We choose to be offended.
19. We're in charge of our own attitude.
20. No one can make you feel a certain way.  Ok, I realize these last three are very similar; they all have to do with our thoughts. Our thoughts effect our emotions, which can then effect our actions. So by cleaning up our thoughts, we can clean up our actions. This is still a big struggle for me. I'm an emotional teenager, but I'm trying to learn coping skills for how to react when things don't go my way, which is like, all the time. 😧
21. Take time for yourself every day. Whatever you need to do to have some "me" time every day, do it. You'll feel so much better when you do.
22. Smart phones are the best invention ever. While the other members of my family may argue that Samsungs and Androids are better than iPhones, and I disagree, the main point of smart phones is pretty incredible. It's amazing we have this tool to help us in all aspects of life; it's just navigating through them and not being constantly glued to them that's a daily struggle. That's the love-hate relationship part of it, especially with teenagers! :(
23. No matter my mood, when I listen to Taylor Swift I always feel better. I don't know what it is, but it happens every time. She is the one who inspired this blog post also. Thanks, Tay Tay. 
24. Become your own best friend. I'm still working on this one ... A LOT! Get to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. And it's ok to talk to yourself too. :)
25. Don't ever compromise your standards, beliefs or values to impress someone else. If people can't love and respect you for you, they're not worth having as friends.
26. Keep learning your whole life. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I'm grateful my parents encouraged me to pursue a college education. Even though I don't currently have a career in my degree, or any at all, for that matter, it's nice to know that I could get one if needed. For now, I'm enjoying my part-time job and should the time come when I need to pursue other employment, it's comforting to know that I am qualified to do so. This quest for knowledge has also helped me navigate through this world of cancer. If we just relied on what the cancer docs said and didn't try to educate ourselves on further options, I don't think Scott would be doing as well as he is. 
27. Potty training and teaching your kids to drive are the most nerve racking things to do as a parent. 😖
28. Crying is cleansing. Don't apologize for crying and don't be embarrassed about it.
29. Don't underestimate the influence you have on other people. Every interaction you have with someone leaves an impact, large or small, so let your light shine and don't be afraid to be yourself. If you don't know yourself, do what you can to discover you.
30. Find your happy place. This is different for everyone. My happy places are the beach, watching my kids do what they love, attending the temple and GIRLS CAMP! (This is an annual camp that the young women in the church participate in and it's a wonderful, bonding, friendship-building/strengthening experience. I'm so sad I can't go this year!)😭
31. Money can be your friend, so treat it as such. Money is NOT a bad thing and shouldn't be treated like it is. True, we need to mindful of how much we have and live within a budget. Having a nest egg for a rainy day is very helpful, and I am grateful we have built up our savings so we can pay for these alternative treatments that insurance won't cover. If we have a mindset of scarcity with money, we're going to act out of fear every time we spend, and then we won't enjoy what we have. That's not a healthy way to live. 
32. Clean up after yourself. This one's pretty self-explanatory. It's just good manners and it saves you time if you put stuff back where it belongs, you won't waste time looking for it if it's not there.
33. Regular girls' night are a MUST! Thank you to all my girlfriends who have joined me in this. You know who are and it helped a TON! Love you. 
34. Work hard to achieve your goals and dreams and don't let ANYONE tell you you can't do it! If you don't know what those goals or dreams are, some soul-searching may be in order.
35. Try to improve yourself each day. There is no growth in comfort, so get out of your comfort zone and let others see your light shine.
36. Count your blessings. Some people use a gratitude journal to help them be mindful of their blessings. I did this once for a year and wrote something new every day. It was great to go back and read it when I was done and see how many blessings I really have. Maybe I need to start that up again.
37. Eat your vegetables. 5-7 servings is a good suggestion. Eating more than that wouldn't hurt either.
38. Take your vitamins. Some are better than others, so do your research and take the good ones.
39. Love everyone for who they are. Every human being just wants to be loved. Let's embrace others' differences and make this world a better place. The golden rule really does make sense.
40. Everyone has something to offer the world. Go out and discover your purpose, and don't be afraid to share it with others. That's when the real fun and growth begins.
41. Only keep what you need. We are too attached to our things as humans and we need to de-clutter our lives. If we have things that we don't need, the garbage can be your friend. Don't feel obligated to keep something if someone gives it to you. If you can't use it, get rid of it. It's so cleansing when you do this.
42. Our life circumstances are out of our control; we are only in control of ourselves. 
43. Don't EVER EVER give up!

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Hope you enjoyed. T-Minus 48 hours until we leave for Hawaii! 😁🏝