I think chemo #16 is this Wednesday, but honestly I've lost count. I know we talk to the doctor that day. All the treatments seem to mesh into one; it's just our life now. The plan for now is that Scott will do a few more chemo treatments until the next scan next month, and no matter what the results are, he's going to take a break. He's been a total rockstar through this whole process - bearing patiently through all the discomfort and pain, and always with a smile on his face. 😊 We celebrated Scott's 46th birthday in style last month; I threw him a surprise party and invited the whole neighborhood plus his office plus all of the family. There were about 200 people there total and I think he really felt loved - that was the intent anyway.
I've been giving him Vitamin C infusions at home, per his naturopath doctor's orders. We have two nurse friends in our neighborhood who have come to help every time and they have been great. I can do it myself, I would just prefer that someone else pokes him. We had one scheduled last week and neither one was able to come and we couldn't reschedule, so I did it, and, if I do say so myself, I did a good job! It's definitely not something I ever thought I would do, but when something needs to be done, I figure out a way to do it. He has four more treatments to do, and then we'll follow up with the naturopath to see what's next.
We met with the cancer specialists shortly after the last scan. He doesn't qualify for any trial medication as of right now because the current medication seems to be working to shrink the tumors. The trial meds are only if the current meds don't work. The doctors at the specialty clinic were all very friendly and thorough and we felt extra special when we were there. They went over all the scan results when we were there and it was really helpful to see them side by side to see the progress of the tumor shrinkage. And the best part of the visit is that the doctor is from Spain, and since both Scott and I speak Spanish, we got to speak Spanish with him. That was fun! 😉
I've listened to (since I don't have time to sit down and read) two really cool books since I last posted. The first one is called Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis and the second one is called Educated by Tara Westover. They're both so good! They are the real life experiences of these women and their process of self-discovery. I admire them so much for being vulnerable and opening up about their lives, hardships and growth through these experiences. I remember telling a friend a while ago that I'd like to make my blog into a book someday, and she said she'd buy it. That was super validating for me. I'm glad I have these two great examples to turn to, as well as many others, of weathering the storm and coming out stronger on the other side.
I think I'm FINALLY at peace with being released as the Young Women's President. That may seem like it took a long time (Gosh, just get over it already, was a constant thought in my head for months!), but it took as long as it needed to for me. Going to church was already hard enough without Scott, and now that I didn't have the girls as my soft place to fall, it was even worse. I honestly questioned what was the point in attending if I couldn't be with them. Then one day in the kitchen, I had an epiphany. All of my hurt feelings and resentment and sadness were just gone. I shared this with my daughter. "Good job, Mom!" she said and gave me a fist bump. I also had a conversation with a ward leader about how I was still struggling with trying to understand why this happened and felt like I was short-changed because I wasn't in as long as I thought I should be. His comforting words helped me to realize that I can still be there for the girls, just in a more passive way. That's really hard to step back from it when you were so invested in them, I think. But just because you don't have the calling, doesn't mean you can't minister and touch their lives in a way that only you can. Even though my heart still longs to be with them at the weekly activities (they were seriously the highlight of my week) and in the Sunday lessons (which are so incredibly spiritual as a small group), I know that my influence can still extend to them in other ways. They will always have a special place in my heart and will always be "my girls." 💗
More things that I've learned since this journey began:
- Having the heart to heart conversations aren't always easy, but they're so worth it.
- Sometimes unplugging and just goofing off together is the best therapy.
- Hiring a housekeeper and a life coach are two of the best decisions I've ever made.
- Strength is not something you have, it's something you find! 😁
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