Scan and Results

Wednesday, April 10, 2019 - Scan Day

We went in for the scan at 8:00 AM. Getting it over with earlier in the day is comforting for me, because we'll know the results sooner, and for Scott, so he can get it over with before work. He had to drink this stuff to light up his insides so they could see his internal organs better. It wasn't as nasty as the colonoscopy prep stuff.

The nurses are pleasant; they put my mind at ease as they say reassuring things to us. One of the nurses is from a town close by some family members of ours, so that's kind of cool. I can't tell if Scott is nervous. As we're waiting for his scan and the nurse is giving instructions, I'm reading an article in a cancer magazine about people who have beat it, at very advanced stages, and are now enjoying life cancer free. I really hope that can be Scott, but only time will tell, I guess. Scott heads off to the scan and I have a seat in the waiting room. I start reading an article about Taylor Swift; my fave! She turns 30 this year, so the article is a list of 30 things she has learned so far in her life, specifically since she made it big and how she has handled being in the spotlight. It's a great article. Maybe I'll do something like that for my birthday in June. 44 key things I've learned that have helped me in my life, specifically what I've learned through this cancer journey. Hmmm...maybe that can be a future blog post.😊 I'm still reading the article when Scott walks out with a big smile on his face and asks if I'm ready to go. Well, not really, I think. I really want to finish reading this article about T Swift, but I can tell he's eager to get back to normal life.

As we're leaving, the nurse says that the radiologist will review the results that day and get back to the doctor by Friday. If we haven't heard from the doctor by Friday afternoon, we should call him, she says. That's such a long time! We'd like to know sooner than that. We decide we'll call him tomorrow afternoon because we don't want to wait two days.

The next day is busy with kid's activities, so we don't have a chance to call him until later that afternoon, until about 4:00. Here we go, I think as Scott dials the number. The doctor's assistant answers immediately, no rerouting through a nurse and no going to voicemail. He gave us his personal number, so, thank you, doc. :) He pulls up Scott's results and starts spouting off information. NO NEW GROWTH ON ANY ORGANS. LIVER, LUNGS, OR COLON!😀🙏 The liver and colon tumors have decreased dramatically in size and all of the lung ones have decreased except for two, but they haven't gotten bigger! And the lung nodules were referred to as multiple, instead of innumerable, like before. I ask the doctor if that means some have gone away completely because of the wording, and he says that there's no way to no know for sure because the scans were read by different radiologists. The only way to know is if you compared the two visually, which is a possibility if we want. We decide we'll talk to the doctor about that at our visit with him next week. We'll go over the results more in detail too. Yay, happy news! I start texting everyone with the news and post it on Facebook. We tell the kids and enjoy the rest of our evening together.

With such great news, I should be super happy and excited about it, right? Wrong! I don't know how I feel, but it's not happy. Why do I feel this way? This is terrible! Why can't I be happy with the good news? I struggle with this feeling all weekend. People's comments to me, via text, social media, or personal hugs and smiles do nothing to cheer me up. What is wrong with me? I struggle to figure it out and when we're at a family function on Sunday, I spill my guts to my sis-in-law and tell her I think maybe I need to take an anti-depressant or something, even though I really don't want to, because I don't want to become dependent on something that I won't need forever. She validates my concerns and says that she thinks it is a good idea, that it may just take the edge off and help me feel more normal. She has dealt with a lot of loss in her life and it has helped her, but she only takes it as needed."It's not a bad thing to sometimes need something like that," she says. I'm glad that I talked to her and I trust her judgment and so I'll look into that.

Monday morning I'm still feeling sad and mad and I decide it's time to break out the punching bag. I haven't used it since the diagnosis, and I need it today. I think I got some frustration out, but I'm not sure. It was fun though, and kind of a good workout. It's really loud though, so I think about moving it down to my garage, if possible. Maybe that can be a fun summer project for me and my big boys. I go meet with my therapist that morning and tell her everything that I've been feeling all week. She says she thinks I have something called situational depression, yah, you think?! and that if I feel I need a low dose of an anti-depressant to not feel guilty about it. Ok, there's validation #2. By the end of the visit, whatever negative feelings I was experiencing are gone! Yay! I feel so much better. The roller coaster continues! Chemo #7 is on Wednesday.