Wednesday, April 10, 2019 - Scan Day
We went in for the scan at 8:00 AM. Getting it over with earlier in the day is comforting for me, because we'll know the results sooner, and for Scott, so he can get it over with before work. He had to drink this stuff to light up his insides so they could see his internal organs better. It wasn't as nasty as the colonoscopy prep stuff.
The nurses are pleasant; they put my mind at ease as they say reassuring things to us. One of the nurses is from a town close by some family members of ours, so that's kind of cool. I can't tell if Scott is nervous. As we're waiting for his scan and the nurse is giving instructions, I'm reading an article in a cancer magazine about people who have beat it, at very advanced stages, and are now enjoying life cancer free. I really hope that can be Scott, but only time will tell, I guess. Scott heads off to the scan and I have a seat in the waiting room. I start reading an article about Taylor Swift; my fave! She turns 30 this year, so the article is a list of 30 things she has learned so far in her life, specifically since she made it big and how she has handled being in the spotlight. It's a great article. Maybe I'll do something like that for my birthday in June. 44 key things I've learned that have helped me in my life, specifically what I've learned through this cancer journey. Hmmm...maybe that can be a future blog post.😊 I'm still reading the article when Scott walks out with a big smile on his face and asks if I'm ready to go. Well, not really, I think. I really want to finish reading this article about T Swift, but I can tell he's eager to get back to normal life.
As we're leaving, the nurse says that the radiologist will review the results that day and get back to the doctor by Friday. If we haven't heard from the doctor by Friday afternoon, we should call him, she says. That's such a long time! We'd like to know sooner than that. We decide we'll call him tomorrow afternoon because we don't want to wait two days.
The next day is busy with kid's activities, so we don't have a chance to call him until later that afternoon, until about 4:00. Here we go, I think as Scott dials the number. The doctor's assistant answers immediately, no rerouting through a nurse and no going to voicemail. He gave us his personal number, so, thank you, doc. :) He pulls up Scott's results and starts spouting off information. NO NEW GROWTH ON ANY ORGANS. LIVER, LUNGS, OR COLON!😀🙏 The liver and colon tumors have decreased dramatically in size and all of the lung ones have decreased except for two, but they haven't gotten bigger! And the lung nodules were referred to as multiple, instead of innumerable, like before. I ask the doctor if that means some have gone away completely because of the wording, and he says that there's no way to no know for sure because the scans were read by different radiologists. The only way to know is if you compared the two visually, which is a possibility if we want. We decide we'll talk to the doctor about that at our visit with him next week. We'll go over the results more in detail too. Yay, happy news! I start texting everyone with the news and post it on Facebook. We tell the kids and enjoy the rest of our evening together.
With such great news, I should be super happy and excited about it, right? Wrong! I don't know how I feel, but it's not happy. Why do I feel this way? This is terrible! Why can't I be happy with the good news? I struggle with this feeling all weekend. People's comments to me, via text, social media, or personal hugs and smiles do nothing to cheer me up. What is wrong with me? I struggle to figure it out and when we're at a family function on Sunday, I spill my guts to my sis-in-law and tell her I think maybe I need to take an anti-depressant or something, even though I really don't want to, because I don't want to become dependent on something that I won't need forever. She validates my concerns and says that she thinks it is a good idea, that it may just take the edge off and help me feel more normal. She has dealt with a lot of loss in her life and it has helped her, but she only takes it as needed."It's not a bad thing to sometimes need something like that," she says. I'm glad that I talked to her and I trust her judgment and so I'll look into that.
Monday morning I'm still feeling sad and mad and I decide it's time to break out the punching bag. I haven't used it since the diagnosis, and I need it today. I think I got some frustration out, but I'm not sure. It was fun though, and kind of a good workout. It's really loud though, so I think about moving it down to my garage, if possible. Maybe that can be a fun summer project for me and my big boys. I go meet with my therapist that morning and tell her everything that I've been feeling all week. She says she thinks I have something called situational depression, yah, you think?! and that if I feel I need a low dose of an anti-depressant to not feel guilty about it. Ok, there's validation #2. By the end of the visit, whatever negative feelings I was experiencing are gone! Yay! I feel so much better. The roller coaster continues! Chemo #7 is on Wednesday.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
Chemo #6 - The Halfway Point
Monday, March 25, 2019
Some sweet ladies from the ward came over to help me clean my house again. That's really nice of them. It helps me out a lot.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
I go in for genetic counseling today. I want to cover all my bases and know if we need to be concerned for the kids. The insurance won't cover my testing based on my family history, and since I don't have cancer. Interesting how insurance won't intervene until you're sick, in most cases. There is preventive care for a few things, just not this. I ask her about Scott's results since it's been three weeks exactly. She says she's expecting results back for him today and will call him as soon as she knows. Great, we'll wait to hear from her.
She calls Scott later that day. Of the 40+ genes tested for colon cancer, NONE of them came back positive for genetic mutations for colon cancer. His cancer is 100% environmental! He's excited about that because he feels like his body only needs to fight it just this one time and if he beats it he doesn't need to worry about it coming back due to a genetic mutation. We're both glad that our kids won't have to worry about something genetic too. They still need to get scoped when they're 35, but if they get it, it will be environmental, so we need to teach them to be conscious of that and always be mindful of their health and wellness. So what caused his cancer in the first place? We have no idea! It could be a billion things! Cancer doesn't suddenly just develop. It builds up over years. What has been his environment for the past 20 years? Uhhhh ... Me! I'm not blaming myself, but it's dang hard not to! My gut (haha, no pun intended) tells me it's because of the acid reflux medicine he's been taking for the past decade (at least)! I'm sure it's deprived his body of needed nutrients. That stuff just relieves the problem, but doesn't allow the body to cure itself from any damage caused by the acid. We need to figure out how he can deal with this without medication, once we get this cancer under control.
We tell the kids later and they are relieved that it is not genetic.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Our 10-year-old son has a ballroom concert tonight. We go early to get a seat away from people and Scott wears his mask. I'm glad he's able to get out and participate with our family in this. Our son does an awesome job. We are so proud of him and all the hard work he has put in throughout the year. We can tell he loves to perform as we watch him. It's great that he has found something he really enjoys.
I go to the Young Women's activity later with my daughter. One of the presidency members invited me on Sunday because she said they needed more adults to help with the projects. I thought that was really nice of her and I thought it would be a good chance to say goodbye to the rest of the girls that weren't there on Sunday. I stay for a few minutes, but feel really out of place, because I don't know how to sew and that's what the projects include. I decide to go home and tell my daughter to get a ride home. I say goodbye to the girls and no one responds, except my daughter. Ok, I guess my time really IS done with them.😭
Saturday, March 30, 2019
I enjoyed a wonderful walk with my neighbor/friend who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer a little over a year ago. It was so great to talk to someone who totally understands EVERYTHING I'm going through. We walked, laughed and cried together. It was very therapeutic and cleansing (I hope for both of us.)
Monday, April 1, 2019
It's April Fools Day! What's a good April Fools joke? After all, we need a good laugh, right? Earlier last week, I acquired a for sale sign from a family member and decide to put it in my yard on Sunday night so people will see it in the morning. I thought it was a pretty good joke. I wonder who I can fool. I get a few texts from neighbors who are wondering what's going on. Some I string along and make them think we are indeed moving, and others I just tell right out it is a joke. I keep the sign up for a few more days to see if I can fool anyone else. No one thought it was funny, except me!🤣
I went in for a thermograph today. It's like a mammogram, yet without the smashing and radiation. It's supposed to be more accurate than a mammogram. Does insurance cover the cost? Of course not, even though it is a sort of preventive care. Whatever! I'm fine to pay out of pocket; we have an health savings account, so at least I can use my card for it. It's an interesting experience. Hopefully everything will turn out okay with this screening also. I have to wait about a week for results.
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
We met with an alternative health doctor today. I found out about him through my chiropractor, who is big into natural health. The office offers a free consultation, so I figure it's worth a shot.
Scott briefly recounts the last two months and the doctor offers some advice and counsel on how to move forward and what might help. Then he gives us an article he wrote about acid reflux and how medication does NOT help it! He tells us that that medication is not to be taken for more than 5 days! And the doctors just ignore that when they write out the prescriptions. 5 days, really? Not weeks, months, or years! Well, I guess my gut feeling was right. I really hope it's not too late to do something about this for Scott. The doctor wants to see Scott again and do some body testing for certain nutrients he may be lacking. We're curious to see what that shows since his gut is already so diseased. We set up a follow up appointment for the following week.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019 - Chemo Day #6
We get to the chemo office early today; we're the first ones there. They haven't even opened the doors yet and we wait outside with one the familiar nurses; she forgot her card. We brought our oldest son with us today. He is getting his wisdom teeth removed today, so he's tagging along until he and I go to his appointment. They do the usual blood draws and send them for testing to see how Scott's numbers are, to determine if he is well enough for treatment today. While Scott is getting his blood drawn, the nurse asks him what treatment this is for him and he says it's number 6. She tells him that he is at the halfway point of completing his treatment. Colon cancer has a 12 treatment cycle; other cancers is six. Yay! That's good news. We didn't know there was an end date. We just thought he would have treatments until he decided to be done, and have a scan every three months. We go back to the doctor's office and wait .... kind of a long time. A half hour after his actual appointment time, the doctor's assistant comes into the room; the doctor is out of town. He is wearing a mask because he has a scratchy throat this morning and doesn't want to spread anything. He pulls up Scott's chart and we begin talking about his treatment. I already like this doctor more. He is much more personable and pleasant. He takes time to answer our questions to the best of his ability. He sets up a time for Scott's next scan - a week from today. He says the results will come later that day and he will call Scott with those results. He'll just go over the preliminary results with him; tell him what, if anything has shrunk, and we'll go over the scan in more detail with the doctor the next time he has chemo, in two weeks. We are hopeful that things have shrunk, at least in the lungs (he hasn't coughed in over a month). The blood test results came back and Scott is good to go for chemo today. His numbers are good and the best news of all - his tumor marker number has gone down drastically! The tumor marker measures how "alive" the tumor is. When Scott first started treatment, the number was 4000! Today it is 300! It has gone down dramatically every time, but never this far. We are pumped! Our oldest son is in the room with us and he smiles and exclaims with glee; something he doesn't do much. We are so grateful and hopeful for some improvements in the next scan. I text my family the good news after we're done with the doctor. Scott begins his chemo and after a while I take our son to the store to get some soft foods in preparation for his oral surgery recovery. He hasn't eaten all day and it is almost lunch time, so he is having a hard time being in the grocery store and hungry.😖
We go to his wisdom teeth appointment, hoping to finish about the same time as Scott. After our son gets checked in, they take him back to the room and the doctor visits with him briefly. He asks him what he's going to do all weekend as he recovers, and his matter of fact response, "Pudding and anime!" 😂 The doctor laughs and says that's a great saying and he's going to tattoo that across his chest. They get him set up and he is out after about 30 seconds. I go in the waiting room and eagerly anticipate the coming out of anesthesia, recovery, blackmail, video. Boy, did that ever happen? Oh my goodness, he sure made a fool of himself.😂 We finish at the same time as Scott, woohoo! and go pick him up and head home.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
So those are the latest updates. The next scan is tomorrow. Please pray and keep your fingers crossed for good results. Thanks for reading my ramblings. Love to all.
Some sweet ladies from the ward came over to help me clean my house again. That's really nice of them. It helps me out a lot.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
I go in for genetic counseling today. I want to cover all my bases and know if we need to be concerned for the kids. The insurance won't cover my testing based on my family history, and since I don't have cancer. Interesting how insurance won't intervene until you're sick, in most cases. There is preventive care for a few things, just not this. I ask her about Scott's results since it's been three weeks exactly. She says she's expecting results back for him today and will call him as soon as she knows. Great, we'll wait to hear from her.
She calls Scott later that day. Of the 40+ genes tested for colon cancer, NONE of them came back positive for genetic mutations for colon cancer. His cancer is 100% environmental! He's excited about that because he feels like his body only needs to fight it just this one time and if he beats it he doesn't need to worry about it coming back due to a genetic mutation. We're both glad that our kids won't have to worry about something genetic too. They still need to get scoped when they're 35, but if they get it, it will be environmental, so we need to teach them to be conscious of that and always be mindful of their health and wellness. So what caused his cancer in the first place? We have no idea! It could be a billion things! Cancer doesn't suddenly just develop. It builds up over years. What has been his environment for the past 20 years? Uhhhh ... Me! I'm not blaming myself, but it's dang hard not to! My gut (haha, no pun intended) tells me it's because of the acid reflux medicine he's been taking for the past decade (at least)! I'm sure it's deprived his body of needed nutrients. That stuff just relieves the problem, but doesn't allow the body to cure itself from any damage caused by the acid. We need to figure out how he can deal with this without medication, once we get this cancer under control.
We tell the kids later and they are relieved that it is not genetic.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Our 10-year-old son has a ballroom concert tonight. We go early to get a seat away from people and Scott wears his mask. I'm glad he's able to get out and participate with our family in this. Our son does an awesome job. We are so proud of him and all the hard work he has put in throughout the year. We can tell he loves to perform as we watch him. It's great that he has found something he really enjoys.
I go to the Young Women's activity later with my daughter. One of the presidency members invited me on Sunday because she said they needed more adults to help with the projects. I thought that was really nice of her and I thought it would be a good chance to say goodbye to the rest of the girls that weren't there on Sunday. I stay for a few minutes, but feel really out of place, because I don't know how to sew and that's what the projects include. I decide to go home and tell my daughter to get a ride home. I say goodbye to the girls and no one responds, except my daughter. Ok, I guess my time really IS done with them.😭
Saturday, March 30, 2019
I enjoyed a wonderful walk with my neighbor/friend who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer a little over a year ago. It was so great to talk to someone who totally understands EVERYTHING I'm going through. We walked, laughed and cried together. It was very therapeutic and cleansing (I hope for both of us.)
Monday, April 1, 2019
It's April Fools Day! What's a good April Fools joke? After all, we need a good laugh, right? Earlier last week, I acquired a for sale sign from a family member and decide to put it in my yard on Sunday night so people will see it in the morning. I thought it was a pretty good joke. I wonder who I can fool. I get a few texts from neighbors who are wondering what's going on. Some I string along and make them think we are indeed moving, and others I just tell right out it is a joke. I keep the sign up for a few more days to see if I can fool anyone else. No one thought it was funny, except me!🤣
I went in for a thermograph today. It's like a mammogram, yet without the smashing and radiation. It's supposed to be more accurate than a mammogram. Does insurance cover the cost? Of course not, even though it is a sort of preventive care. Whatever! I'm fine to pay out of pocket; we have an health savings account, so at least I can use my card for it. It's an interesting experience. Hopefully everything will turn out okay with this screening also. I have to wait about a week for results.
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
We met with an alternative health doctor today. I found out about him through my chiropractor, who is big into natural health. The office offers a free consultation, so I figure it's worth a shot.
Scott briefly recounts the last two months and the doctor offers some advice and counsel on how to move forward and what might help. Then he gives us an article he wrote about acid reflux and how medication does NOT help it! He tells us that that medication is not to be taken for more than 5 days! And the doctors just ignore that when they write out the prescriptions. 5 days, really? Not weeks, months, or years! Well, I guess my gut feeling was right. I really hope it's not too late to do something about this for Scott. The doctor wants to see Scott again and do some body testing for certain nutrients he may be lacking. We're curious to see what that shows since his gut is already so diseased. We set up a follow up appointment for the following week.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019 - Chemo Day #6
We get to the chemo office early today; we're the first ones there. They haven't even opened the doors yet and we wait outside with one the familiar nurses; she forgot her card. We brought our oldest son with us today. He is getting his wisdom teeth removed today, so he's tagging along until he and I go to his appointment. They do the usual blood draws and send them for testing to see how Scott's numbers are, to determine if he is well enough for treatment today. While Scott is getting his blood drawn, the nurse asks him what treatment this is for him and he says it's number 6. She tells him that he is at the halfway point of completing his treatment. Colon cancer has a 12 treatment cycle; other cancers is six. Yay! That's good news. We didn't know there was an end date. We just thought he would have treatments until he decided to be done, and have a scan every three months. We go back to the doctor's office and wait .... kind of a long time. A half hour after his actual appointment time, the doctor's assistant comes into the room; the doctor is out of town. He is wearing a mask because he has a scratchy throat this morning and doesn't want to spread anything. He pulls up Scott's chart and we begin talking about his treatment. I already like this doctor more. He is much more personable and pleasant. He takes time to answer our questions to the best of his ability. He sets up a time for Scott's next scan - a week from today. He says the results will come later that day and he will call Scott with those results. He'll just go over the preliminary results with him; tell him what, if anything has shrunk, and we'll go over the scan in more detail with the doctor the next time he has chemo, in two weeks. We are hopeful that things have shrunk, at least in the lungs (he hasn't coughed in over a month). The blood test results came back and Scott is good to go for chemo today. His numbers are good and the best news of all - his tumor marker number has gone down drastically! The tumor marker measures how "alive" the tumor is. When Scott first started treatment, the number was 4000! Today it is 300! It has gone down dramatically every time, but never this far. We are pumped! Our oldest son is in the room with us and he smiles and exclaims with glee; something he doesn't do much. We are so grateful and hopeful for some improvements in the next scan. I text my family the good news after we're done with the doctor. Scott begins his chemo and after a while I take our son to the store to get some soft foods in preparation for his oral surgery recovery. He hasn't eaten all day and it is almost lunch time, so he is having a hard time being in the grocery store and hungry.😖
We go to his wisdom teeth appointment, hoping to finish about the same time as Scott. After our son gets checked in, they take him back to the room and the doctor visits with him briefly. He asks him what he's going to do all weekend as he recovers, and his matter of fact response, "Pudding and anime!" 😂 The doctor laughs and says that's a great saying and he's going to tattoo that across his chest. They get him set up and he is out after about 30 seconds. I go in the waiting room and eagerly anticipate the coming out of anesthesia, recovery, blackmail, video. Boy, did that ever happen? Oh my goodness, he sure made a fool of himself.😂 We finish at the same time as Scott, woohoo! and go pick him up and head home.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
So those are the latest updates. The next scan is tomorrow. Please pray and keep your fingers crossed for good results. Thanks for reading my ramblings. Love to all.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
An Emotional Weekend
Chapter 15 - Broken-Hearted
The day after Scott's 5th chemo treatment, I found out I was going to be released from my church calling of Young Women's President. What???!!! I didn't see that one coming! In our church, each faithful member has an unpaid service calling that they are asked to perform by the bishop (leader) of the local congregation (ward.) These callings rotate throughout one's life so not every person has the same calling their whole life. We believe we are all called by God Himself and He qualifies us for the calling. It is such a great opportunity to learn and grow and serve others. We don't ask for these callings, but are asked to put in our best effort and to rely on the Lord to help us fulfill our duty to the best of our ability. I have tried to do that in every one of my callings. Throughout my life, some of my callings have included teaching in the Relief Society (women's organization), helping with the Cub Scouts, organizing the young women's week long camping trip, helping in the Primary (children's organization) and my latest calling of Young Women's President, which by far has been my favorite! :) A president has two counselors and a secretary; all together they form a presidency. They work together to help the church program run smoothly (that's the idea at least.) Their combined efforts,while relying on the Lord's help, aid in this process. Usually, a presidency will serve for a period of about 2-3 years. Our presidency was called in August of 2017. That's only 19 months! Needless to say, I was baffled when I got the news. I thought I'd have at least another year. And I love my calling! I love the girls. They are my therapy. They keep me grounded. I asked my bishop if my release had anything to do with Scott's health and he reassured me it did not. He encouraged me to pray for comfort. Uh yah, I'm going to need to do a lot of that. I came home from my meeting with him and called my sister for some reassurance. She always knows exactly what to say. I feel better after talking to her, but I still didn't get much sleep that night and woke up cranky. I texted the rest of my presidency to let them know they will be released too. They are all surprised as well and we are sad to not be working with each other anymore. We have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know each other and working together to serve these fantastic girls! I have a meltdown that morning to Scott and feel guilty because he's the sick one and shouldn't have to be comforting me. I went to work that morning not in the greatest mood. I only work eight hours a week, two 4 hour shifts. That morning, I saw four women I know there. That's one per hour. Usually, I only see one or two a week. It was comforting to me to see them. One of the women waved to me with her hand in an ASL "I Love You" sign. 🤟 I thought that was kind of cool. As she's leaving she gives me a big hug and mentions how much she loves my blog. "I've read every word. Thank you for writing it." She mentioned how she was having a particularly hard day and she read my latest post and thought, Ok, I can do hard things. This is why I write this! It warms my heart to know that it is helpful to others, even if in just a small way. Thank you for comforting me in this small way, Heavenly Father. I need all the help I can get for Sunday.
Sunday comes and I am dreading church. It's already hard for me to go because Scott is not with me.
The name of the new young Women's president is announced and I am so relieved and excited. It's one of the ladies from our former presidency. The girls are in good hands. She knows what she's doing and will do an amazing job. And she already knows and loves the girls and they love her! I keep it together until I have to get up to leave to get ready for my lesson, the last lesson I will have with the girls. I haven't taught a lesson for a long time and I'm looking forward to this one. People stop me in the hall to give me hugs and then I lose it. This is why I left early, so this wouldn't happen. I guess it's inevitable. By the time I get to the room for the lesson, I'm okay though. We enjoy a good lesson, we take some pictures and I don't cry once. That's a miracle in and of itself. I give all the girls hugs before I leave. One of the girls tells me she's so sad, as she's smiling. "Oh yah, why are you smiling then?" I joke with her. She's just a happy girl and it's normal for her to smile a lot. I tell her I love and will miss her and she says the same. After church, another girl drops off a card. She stayed home sick that day but as soon as she heard the news she wrote me a sweet note and dropped it off at my house. She even sprayed it with Lysol so she wouldn't spread her germs to Scott. So sweet! I will miss these girls so much and am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with them. They have touched my life for good and I will be eternally grateful. I hope I touched their lives for good too.
The next day, I read something in a book that really helped me feel better. Another tender mercy.
My life has taught me that nothing in this world stays the same. Nothing. Not me. Not even you. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can figure out how to live your life. Maybe even enjoy it.
Two things I know about change. First, sometimes it seems like we're just bobbing up and down in the ocean trying to keep our heads above water, when really we are being moved along by unseen currents, imperceptibly being dragged to some distant shore.
Second, it pretty much always hurts. (That's the part that I really related to. That's so true.)
I keep reminding myself of this, because while the world we live in is changing, so are our hearts and minds. Things that are important now won't be important later. And things that aren't important now will be super-important later. It's true for everyone. You start out thinking you're going to be some kind of person and that life is laid out and predictable as a video game. Then you realize that the rules have changed. There are characters in your game you didn't plan on. There are things you have to do that you never wanted to do. And sometimes the purpose of the game seems to change. I suppose it's like that for everyone. Everyone must come to the realization that the life they have and the life they thought they'd have aren't ever the same thing. And then the question is, what are they going to do about it? (Michael Vey #6: Fall of Hades, Richard Paul Evans, 2016)
Even though I don't understand why I got released and didn't want it, it's part of a grander plan and I know I will treasure the memories created and the time spent with the fabulous young women! They will always be "my girls" and hold a special place in my heart. ❤
The day after Scott's 5th chemo treatment, I found out I was going to be released from my church calling of Young Women's President. What???!!! I didn't see that one coming! In our church, each faithful member has an unpaid service calling that they are asked to perform by the bishop (leader) of the local congregation (ward.) These callings rotate throughout one's life so not every person has the same calling their whole life. We believe we are all called by God Himself and He qualifies us for the calling. It is such a great opportunity to learn and grow and serve others. We don't ask for these callings, but are asked to put in our best effort and to rely on the Lord to help us fulfill our duty to the best of our ability. I have tried to do that in every one of my callings. Throughout my life, some of my callings have included teaching in the Relief Society (women's organization), helping with the Cub Scouts, organizing the young women's week long camping trip, helping in the Primary (children's organization) and my latest calling of Young Women's President, which by far has been my favorite! :) A president has two counselors and a secretary; all together they form a presidency. They work together to help the church program run smoothly (that's the idea at least.) Their combined efforts,while relying on the Lord's help, aid in this process. Usually, a presidency will serve for a period of about 2-3 years. Our presidency was called in August of 2017. That's only 19 months! Needless to say, I was baffled when I got the news. I thought I'd have at least another year. And I love my calling! I love the girls. They are my therapy. They keep me grounded. I asked my bishop if my release had anything to do with Scott's health and he reassured me it did not. He encouraged me to pray for comfort. Uh yah, I'm going to need to do a lot of that. I came home from my meeting with him and called my sister for some reassurance. She always knows exactly what to say. I feel better after talking to her, but I still didn't get much sleep that night and woke up cranky. I texted the rest of my presidency to let them know they will be released too. They are all surprised as well and we are sad to not be working with each other anymore. We have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know each other and working together to serve these fantastic girls! I have a meltdown that morning to Scott and feel guilty because he's the sick one and shouldn't have to be comforting me. I went to work that morning not in the greatest mood. I only work eight hours a week, two 4 hour shifts. That morning, I saw four women I know there. That's one per hour. Usually, I only see one or two a week. It was comforting to me to see them. One of the women waved to me with her hand in an ASL "I Love You" sign. 🤟 I thought that was kind of cool. As she's leaving she gives me a big hug and mentions how much she loves my blog. "I've read every word. Thank you for writing it." She mentioned how she was having a particularly hard day and she read my latest post and thought, Ok, I can do hard things. This is why I write this! It warms my heart to know that it is helpful to others, even if in just a small way. Thank you for comforting me in this small way, Heavenly Father. I need all the help I can get for Sunday.
Sunday comes and I am dreading church. It's already hard for me to go because Scott is not with me.
The name of the new young Women's president is announced and I am so relieved and excited. It's one of the ladies from our former presidency. The girls are in good hands. She knows what she's doing and will do an amazing job. And she already knows and loves the girls and they love her! I keep it together until I have to get up to leave to get ready for my lesson, the last lesson I will have with the girls. I haven't taught a lesson for a long time and I'm looking forward to this one. People stop me in the hall to give me hugs and then I lose it. This is why I left early, so this wouldn't happen. I guess it's inevitable. By the time I get to the room for the lesson, I'm okay though. We enjoy a good lesson, we take some pictures and I don't cry once. That's a miracle in and of itself. I give all the girls hugs before I leave. One of the girls tells me she's so sad, as she's smiling. "Oh yah, why are you smiling then?" I joke with her. She's just a happy girl and it's normal for her to smile a lot. I tell her I love and will miss her and she says the same. After church, another girl drops off a card. She stayed home sick that day but as soon as she heard the news she wrote me a sweet note and dropped it off at my house. She even sprayed it with Lysol so she wouldn't spread her germs to Scott. So sweet! I will miss these girls so much and am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with them. They have touched my life for good and I will be eternally grateful. I hope I touched their lives for good too.
The next day, I read something in a book that really helped me feel better. Another tender mercy.
My life has taught me that nothing in this world stays the same. Nothing. Not me. Not even you. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can figure out how to live your life. Maybe even enjoy it.
Two things I know about change. First, sometimes it seems like we're just bobbing up and down in the ocean trying to keep our heads above water, when really we are being moved along by unseen currents, imperceptibly being dragged to some distant shore.
Second, it pretty much always hurts. (That's the part that I really related to. That's so true.)
I keep reminding myself of this, because while the world we live in is changing, so are our hearts and minds. Things that are important now won't be important later. And things that aren't important now will be super-important later. It's true for everyone. You start out thinking you're going to be some kind of person and that life is laid out and predictable as a video game. Then you realize that the rules have changed. There are characters in your game you didn't plan on. There are things you have to do that you never wanted to do. And sometimes the purpose of the game seems to change. I suppose it's like that for everyone. Everyone must come to the realization that the life they have and the life they thought they'd have aren't ever the same thing. And then the question is, what are they going to do about it? (Michael Vey #6: Fall of Hades, Richard Paul Evans, 2016)
Even though I don't understand why I got released and didn't want it, it's part of a grander plan and I know I will treasure the memories created and the time spent with the fabulous young women! They will always be "my girls" and hold a special place in my heart. ❤
Questions and Answers
Throughout this process, there have been so many questions posed by well-meaning people. This post is an attempt to answer the most asked questions.
Q: How are you doing?
A: It's nice to see you or I don't know. (Or sometimes I lie and say good, although sometimes that is the truth. I wonder what reaction I'd get from people if I told them how I was really doing when they asked. I'll only do that with my close friends and family.) 😂
Q: How is Scott?
A: Have you read my blog? (I think I'm going to make business cards with the address on it to give out when I'm asked that) 😆 or I know he'd love to let you know himself. Give him a call.
Q: How are the kids doing?
A: Remarkably well. They are awesome kids!
Q: Is Scott still working?
A: Yes! He has a lot of work he can do from home, he can even look at paperwork and do stuff on his computer during chemo. He has a lot of sick time and comp time accumulated, that he can use when he needs it. He hasn't been super sick, and if his energy levels are low, he can just work from home. I don't feel like I need to go to work full time right now. The only reason I would do that is for benefits. Should he have to leave the company and go on long term disability, we'd have COBRA insurance, which is expensive!
Q: How often does he do chemo and how many treatments does he need?
A: He does chemo every two weeks and each drug is administered one by one over the course of about four hours. The last drug he is given slowly goes into his bloodstream over 46 hours, so he is sent home with a pump and two days later he goes in to have the pump removed from his port. Each "round" of chemo lasts 12 treatments. Most rounds only last 6, but colon cancer is 12 treatments. He's had six, so he's halfway through his first treatment. After 6 treatments, another scan is done to see if anything has shrunk. After the first round (12 treatments) and another scan, we will re-evaluate to see if he can, or wants to, continue treatment or not. The doctors don't have an end date, but we are optimistic that after this first round, things will have shrunk enough that he can have surgery to remove the tumor in his liver and colon.
Q: What can we do for you and your family? Let us know if you need anything.
A: Prayers help the most right now. Please keep praying for us. If you don't pray, now is a good time to start. :)
Q: How are you doing?
A: It's nice to see you or I don't know. (Or sometimes I lie and say good, although sometimes that is the truth. I wonder what reaction I'd get from people if I told them how I was really doing when they asked. I'll only do that with my close friends and family.) 😂
Q: How is Scott?
A: Have you read my blog? (I think I'm going to make business cards with the address on it to give out when I'm asked that) 😆 or I know he'd love to let you know himself. Give him a call.
Q: How are the kids doing?
A: Remarkably well. They are awesome kids!
Q: Is Scott still working?
A: Yes! He has a lot of work he can do from home, he can even look at paperwork and do stuff on his computer during chemo. He has a lot of sick time and comp time accumulated, that he can use when he needs it. He hasn't been super sick, and if his energy levels are low, he can just work from home. I don't feel like I need to go to work full time right now. The only reason I would do that is for benefits. Should he have to leave the company and go on long term disability, we'd have COBRA insurance, which is expensive!
Q: How often does he do chemo and how many treatments does he need?
A: He does chemo every two weeks and each drug is administered one by one over the course of about four hours. The last drug he is given slowly goes into his bloodstream over 46 hours, so he is sent home with a pump and two days later he goes in to have the pump removed from his port. Each "round" of chemo lasts 12 treatments. Most rounds only last 6, but colon cancer is 12 treatments. He's had six, so he's halfway through his first treatment. After 6 treatments, another scan is done to see if anything has shrunk. After the first round (12 treatments) and another scan, we will re-evaluate to see if he can, or wants to, continue treatment or not. The doctors don't have an end date, but we are optimistic that after this first round, things will have shrunk enough that he can have surgery to remove the tumor in his liver and colon.
Q: What can we do for you and your family? Let us know if you need anything.
A: Prayers help the most right now. Please keep praying for us. If you don't pray, now is a good time to start. :)
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Chemo #5
Chapter 15 - The Perfect End to a Long Day
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Chemo #5. We know the routine by now. Scott has the same nurse. He is a cool dude from the south. He lightens the mood of chemo. It's just a dreary place. Seeing sick people just wears on you. I try to be happy, but I'm not. It's just our routine now; chemo every two weeks for who knows how long. The chemo is going slower than normal so we will be here longer than we originally planned. It's finally spring though, and the weather is actually pleasant. I wonder what it would be like if the chemo chairs could be set up outside on a nice day like this. 😆 Scott passes the time by doing some work on his computer (hey, he's paid while he does chemo, that's a nice benefit). I listen to music, do some texting, make some phone calls and try to do some stuff on my computer but the set up isn't very comfy for the visitor, so I decide to can that idea and just chill with my headphones. My mom texts me when there's about an hour left of chemo. She wants to take me to lunch. Woohoo! I won't argue with her on that one. :) Scott says he'll just meet me at home. I enjoy a lovely lunch at Dairy Queen with my mother. They're giving out free ice cream cones for the first day of spring. 😁
Later that day, we have another doctor's appointment, with a naturopath doctor. He uses a natural approach to work in conjunction with the chemo. Scott and I are looking forward to this visit. We want to find out his feeling about the things we have been doing to improve Scott's overall health. Wee feel like they are helping also, but getting a medical professional's opinion is always helpful. They're a little behind when we get there, so we have to wait, but it's ok. We read some of the educational material provided by the office. We get called back into the office and begin visiting with the doctor. There is already a different feeling to him. He is a doctor who really cares about his patients; I can tell. He shares his personal experience with cancer in his own family. His daughter developed brain cancer at the age of 9. Now, ten years later, she has had two brain surgeries and is getting ready to graduate from college! Their family has done so many natural things over the years to help control the tumor growth. He shares these insights with us. I love that he shares his personal experiences to teach us, as well as his medical knowledge. He reviews Scott's medical info; I've made a binder to keep it all together. He's very impressed. He keeps reassuring us that there are so many things we can do to help Scott live a healthy, long, life, which is what we need to hear. He tells us there is no cure for cancer, but it is manageable by using this well-rounded approach. There's more to cancer treatment than chemo. He gives us a bunch of information that he says he will email us a summary of later. The basic jist of what he shares is that what will help Scott improve his overall heath is a well-balanced diet of whole grains, fruits and vegetables and healthy protein. He also says that cancer feeds on suger, so eliminate it as much as possible, if not all together. Balancing out the nutrients that Scott's body is lacking will be instrumental in controlling tumor growth. He can take natural supplements to put those nutrients back in, as well as get it through certain foods. He suggests Vitamin B-12 injections to boost his energy levels and Vitamin C infusions to boost his immune system. He also gives suggestions on how to heal his colon. He gives suggestions on how to reduce and eliminate his acid reflux; he thinks that his acid reflux medication has caused his body to not absorb certain nutrients, which may have contributed to his cancer in the first place. He offers suggestions on other ways to reduce toxins in his environment. He is impressed with what we have tried so far and tells us to keep up the good work, and to keep doing what we're doing. He wants to follow up with us again after Scott's next scan. We are in his office for two hours! What doctor takes two hours with his patients?! This one. He is an amazing doctor and we leave feeling very empowered that we can move forward with confidence and a positive outlook for the future. We rush home so I can go to dinner with a girlfriend. We have had this planned for over a month; we've already had to reschedule a few times because of my crazy schedule, but she has been very patient with me. I am excited to spend some quality time with her and share all my news with her. She is someone I look up to greatly and she has been through a lot of hard things in her life recently. She is a wonderful example to me of strength during hard times.
My friend arrives a few minutes after we get home. I'm excited for our dinner. As we drive there, I tell her some of the things we learned from this doctor's visit. My mind is still reeling trying to process it all. She patiently listens to my ramblings. We pull into the parking lot of a local healthy pizza place. I have never eaten there before and am excited to try something. I'm not super hungry; I'm still excited form our doctor's visit and decide I'll probably just have a healthy salad. We walk in and I turn to face the menu on the wall. She faces me and I hear a whistle (like a WooWoo whistle) from behind us. I ignore it but tell my friend someone's whistling at her (she's single and gorgeous and I'm not surprised if someone is whistling at her; just a little surprised they're doing it in a restaurant). She tells me to turn around cause they're whistling at me, so I grudgingly turn around and see about ten other ladies from my neighborhood at a table behind us, and some are in line waiting for their orders. "Surprise," they exclaim, with huge smiles on their faces and some come up to give me hugs. What? I couldn't believe it. My friend had orchestrated this whole thing! I had no idea. And we even had to reschedule! I didn't cry, but that was definitely a cry-worthy moment! 😭
After we ordered the food, we sat down to enjoy a wonderful visit with each other. As we began visiting, I told everyone that this was definitely going on my blog, and that we definitely needed pictures.
We took a picture and just before I finished my dinner, everyone started pulling out little boxes and bags; gifts for me. Wow! There was more?! The surprise dinner was enough. I wasn't expecting anything else. My friend who arranged the dinner said to open hers first and then I could start opening the rest. I opened the first little box. Inside was a beautiful silver bracelet. Then I started opening the others; each person had got me a charm to put on the bracelet. As I opened each one, the person who gave me that one would tell me which one was theirs. I felt like a little girl opening presents at her birthday party and enjoying the excitement form each friend as they presented their gift. I even received charms from people who couldn't attend. Some had cards with sweet notes attached, some didn't. It was so sweet to see the effort that was put in by each person to pick out just the right charm. They were all different, they planned it that way, but I think even if they hadn't, they all still would have been different. We are all different people who contribute to life in our own special way. I can't even describe the feeling of love I felt that night with those incredible ladies! I felt like I was sitting at the popular table in the school cafeteria. What is so special about little old me that these people would take time out of their busy schedules to include me in their plans? This was a perfect ending to a very long day. We stayed and visited until about 10:00 PM. I think the restaurant was long since closed, but the sweet employee didn't say anything to us that it was time to go. As we drove home that night, I couldn't stop thanking my friend for arranging this. She said she was glad to do it. She said it's important to have a support group around you when you're going through hard times and she wanted me to know that they were here for me. That meant a lot to me coming from her because she has been through a lot in her life in the last few years and has needed a lot of extra support from others also. When she dropped me off, I thanked her profusely yet again, and gave her a big hug. I walked into the house on cloud nine! I still couldn't believe it! How did she know that's exactly what I needed? In our church, we believe in ministering unto each other just as our Savior, Jesus Christ, ministered to those in his time. He saw a need and filled it and ministered unto people in just the way that they needed. He continues to minister to us today, through others, acting as his angels on the earth to minister to those in need. Tonight, my sweet friend truly was my ministering angel and served me in exactly the way that I needed. Now every time I wear that bracelet, I can think of all of my sweet friends and their love for me. 😊💖
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Chemo #5. We know the routine by now. Scott has the same nurse. He is a cool dude from the south. He lightens the mood of chemo. It's just a dreary place. Seeing sick people just wears on you. I try to be happy, but I'm not. It's just our routine now; chemo every two weeks for who knows how long. The chemo is going slower than normal so we will be here longer than we originally planned. It's finally spring though, and the weather is actually pleasant. I wonder what it would be like if the chemo chairs could be set up outside on a nice day like this. 😆 Scott passes the time by doing some work on his computer (hey, he's paid while he does chemo, that's a nice benefit). I listen to music, do some texting, make some phone calls and try to do some stuff on my computer but the set up isn't very comfy for the visitor, so I decide to can that idea and just chill with my headphones. My mom texts me when there's about an hour left of chemo. She wants to take me to lunch. Woohoo! I won't argue with her on that one. :) Scott says he'll just meet me at home. I enjoy a lovely lunch at Dairy Queen with my mother. They're giving out free ice cream cones for the first day of spring. 😁
Later that day, we have another doctor's appointment, with a naturopath doctor. He uses a natural approach to work in conjunction with the chemo. Scott and I are looking forward to this visit. We want to find out his feeling about the things we have been doing to improve Scott's overall health. Wee feel like they are helping also, but getting a medical professional's opinion is always helpful. They're a little behind when we get there, so we have to wait, but it's ok. We read some of the educational material provided by the office. We get called back into the office and begin visiting with the doctor. There is already a different feeling to him. He is a doctor who really cares about his patients; I can tell. He shares his personal experience with cancer in his own family. His daughter developed brain cancer at the age of 9. Now, ten years later, she has had two brain surgeries and is getting ready to graduate from college! Their family has done so many natural things over the years to help control the tumor growth. He shares these insights with us. I love that he shares his personal experiences to teach us, as well as his medical knowledge. He reviews Scott's medical info; I've made a binder to keep it all together. He's very impressed. He keeps reassuring us that there are so many things we can do to help Scott live a healthy, long, life, which is what we need to hear. He tells us there is no cure for cancer, but it is manageable by using this well-rounded approach. There's more to cancer treatment than chemo. He gives us a bunch of information that he says he will email us a summary of later. The basic jist of what he shares is that what will help Scott improve his overall heath is a well-balanced diet of whole grains, fruits and vegetables and healthy protein. He also says that cancer feeds on suger, so eliminate it as much as possible, if not all together. Balancing out the nutrients that Scott's body is lacking will be instrumental in controlling tumor growth. He can take natural supplements to put those nutrients back in, as well as get it through certain foods. He suggests Vitamin B-12 injections to boost his energy levels and Vitamin C infusions to boost his immune system. He also gives suggestions on how to heal his colon. He gives suggestions on how to reduce and eliminate his acid reflux; he thinks that his acid reflux medication has caused his body to not absorb certain nutrients, which may have contributed to his cancer in the first place. He offers suggestions on other ways to reduce toxins in his environment. He is impressed with what we have tried so far and tells us to keep up the good work, and to keep doing what we're doing. He wants to follow up with us again after Scott's next scan. We are in his office for two hours! What doctor takes two hours with his patients?! This one. He is an amazing doctor and we leave feeling very empowered that we can move forward with confidence and a positive outlook for the future. We rush home so I can go to dinner with a girlfriend. We have had this planned for over a month; we've already had to reschedule a few times because of my crazy schedule, but she has been very patient with me. I am excited to spend some quality time with her and share all my news with her. She is someone I look up to greatly and she has been through a lot of hard things in her life recently. She is a wonderful example to me of strength during hard times.
My friend arrives a few minutes after we get home. I'm excited for our dinner. As we drive there, I tell her some of the things we learned from this doctor's visit. My mind is still reeling trying to process it all. She patiently listens to my ramblings. We pull into the parking lot of a local healthy pizza place. I have never eaten there before and am excited to try something. I'm not super hungry; I'm still excited form our doctor's visit and decide I'll probably just have a healthy salad. We walk in and I turn to face the menu on the wall. She faces me and I hear a whistle (like a WooWoo whistle) from behind us. I ignore it but tell my friend someone's whistling at her (she's single and gorgeous and I'm not surprised if someone is whistling at her; just a little surprised they're doing it in a restaurant). She tells me to turn around cause they're whistling at me, so I grudgingly turn around and see about ten other ladies from my neighborhood at a table behind us, and some are in line waiting for their orders. "Surprise," they exclaim, with huge smiles on their faces and some come up to give me hugs. What? I couldn't believe it. My friend had orchestrated this whole thing! I had no idea. And we even had to reschedule! I didn't cry, but that was definitely a cry-worthy moment! 😭
After we ordered the food, we sat down to enjoy a wonderful visit with each other. As we began visiting, I told everyone that this was definitely going on my blog, and that we definitely needed pictures.
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| Here we all are! 😊 |
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