Waiting for Chemo

Chapter 8 - Now It's starting to get Real!

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Today is a ballroom competition for our ten-year-old. I'm excited to have something to take our minds off all of this gunk that we're facing right now. I hope we can focus on him and not stupid cancer stuff!

My sister-in-law comes down to help us cheer on our son. It's good to see another family member and feel of her love and support. I'm glad she's there. Before the competition begins, Scott tells me that his co-worker, the one who lost her husband to this same cancer is there too. We go over and talk to her briefly. It's good to see her and I thank her for the information she gave us already and tell her I'll text her to set up an appointment to visit with her next week. She is very gracious as she offers to meet with me anytime.

The competition begins. I can tell Scott is exhausted. He looks really sick and like he just wants to go home and go to bed. His body is there but that's about it. I visit with my sister-in-law and she thinks the same thing. It's hard to have a conversation with him; I can tell he doesn't feel well.

We cheer loudly for our son. The louder the better at ballroom competitions! It is a great stress relief. Our son struts his stuff and charms the judges. It as so great to see him do this. He loves it and you can tell. His team wins a gold medal and the sportsmanship award! Great job team! I'm so glad we had this time to forget about cancer, even though it's always in the back of our minds.

Later that day, we're able to visit with my friend who lost her husband fourteen months earlier. It's a wonderful visit. She gives us words of wisdom that can only be given by someone who has experienced this firsthand. She asks us when he starts chemo, and we tell her hopefully next Wednesday. She tells us to do something fun with the kids on Monday and something fun just the two of us on Tuesday. Good advice. We will do that. I'm so glad to have her as a resource. She is a special, strong woman who I admire greatly. I will definitely be talking to her more as this journey progresses.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

This is the first day at church when "everyone" knows. I want to go to feel their support, but I don't want to at the same time. The support we have received and felt has been overwhelming and I'm so grateful, but sometimes I just want to be alone. It's annoying to feel so conflicted. I go to church and we enjoy wonderful talks, yet again. The information shared in the last talk is comforting to me. When sacrament meeting ends, we get up to leave for the next class. We sit close to the front of the chapel and as we leave, someone in just about every row behind us gives us a hug. I appreciate all of them. I can feel their love and support for our family. The hugs from the Young Women are the best!
Sunday School goes ok, but of course our minds are on other things, making it hard to focus on the lesson. I sit next to a dear friend and am grateful to feel of her love. The Sunday School lesson has about 15 minutes left when I have a coughing attack and have to excuse myself to go out into the hall and get a drink. I stay out there the rest of the time; it's embarrassing to walk in in the middle of the lesson. A friend comes out about five minutes later and we visit for the remainder of the time. I appreciate it and enjoy the time we have to share together.

That night we have a family dinner with my siblings and mother. I invited them over to give them all an update about the situation. With all the texts I've been sending this week, I can't keep track of who knows what. I want everyone to be on the same page, but more importantly, I need to have them there with me to feel of their love and support. We eat dinner and then excuse the younger kids to go downstairs to play. The adults and some teenagers stay upstairs and we tell them the whole story. My brother sheds the most tears. It is heartwarming to me. He has always been a sensitive soul. I'm glad we could share this sacred experience together. I am looking forward to spending time with them in a few weeks on the cruise to celebrate our mother's 70th birthday. Scott can't go anymore. We have to apply for a refund, we tell them. We don't know how his body will react to his chemo and his immune system will be down. It's not a good idea for him to be around that many people and germs. I feel conflicted again going without him, but know that he will enjoy the time with our kids. They need some precious time with Dad too. Despite the tears, there is a peaceful calm that permeates the room as we discuss this life change with my family. I love them dearly.

Monday, January 21, 2019

It is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the kids don't have school. My brother-in-law offers to take the kids sledding with his kids. They are excited to enjoy time with cousins. While they are gone, I visit with his wife, who just had a baby. I haven't had the chance to visit with her since he's been born and am looking forward to newborn snuggles. We enjoy a pleasant visit on the couch as my newborn nephew sleeps soundly in my arms. I'm sure I will be visiting her often to soak up time with her newborn. It is good therapy. We are so grateful to Scott's brother for taking time to have fun with the kids. When they get back, we have hot chocolate and the kids play downstairs while Scott and his brother visit for a while. It is another special time.

That evening we are able to visit with my stage 4 cancer friend and her husband. They tell us about their healing trip to Hawaii and their experience so far; her treatment plan, how she's felt, etc. Again, information and empathy that only someone who is going through this same experience can offer. Her husband and I decide that we will join a kickboxing class to get out our aggression! We enjoy our visit and know that we have another great resource to turn to when we need it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

This is the day before Scott starts chemo. Everything changes starting tomorrow! The kids go back to school and Scott goes back to work. I am alone again! I keep myself busy to avoid another breakdown.

I signed up a while ago to work a few hours today. I have to tell my boss today. I'm dreading it, but know that it needs to be done. I go to work and the first hour goes by fine. Then I go to my boss's office. I want to catch her before she leaves for her lunch break. She invites me into her office and I request some tissue. She grabs her box and I take some and then just start gushing! She lets me gush and I am grateful for it. After I'm done, she reassures me that this is the last place I need to worry about. My co-workers will cover for me anytime I'm not able to come in. I know that they will. It really is the best place to work ever! I ask if it's okay if I give her a hug and she tells me of course it is. We embrace and share some tears together. Then I finish my shift as if nothing happened.
Bi-polar, I tell ya! I'm glad I was able to get that over with.

After my shift, I go to Scott's office to meet with his co-worker. She has graciously agreed to meet with me today. She shows me how to set up my blog and I am excited to get it started. As I listen to her story and her experience, I can't help but think how similar to it is to ours. She lets me know of so many helpful resources that we can use during this process. I am so glad that I was able to meet with her, but ... It. Was. Hard. Her husband was younger than Scott and only lasted 16 months! I know everyone's experience is different, but hers hits closest to home. I feel like I have gained an eternal friend through sharing with her. Another tender mercy.

I texted the GI doc earlier in the week. I want to meet with him so I can look at these "innumerable" lung lesions that supposedly are all over Scott's lungs. We have arranged a time to meet and look at the CT scan for later that afternoon. I anxiously drive to the hospital after I drop my daughter off at work. Scott doesn't want to come with me. I only have to wait a few minutes to meet with the doctor. He brings me to the back room and pulls up Scott's film. He explains what the lesions will look like and we review each frame. I counted between 20-30. That's not innumerable! I think. Why would they say there are innumerable lesions when there are clearly enough to count? I ask the doctor that and he says that they probably stop counting after a while. He may have missed some, since he's not a radiologist. Still, there are not innumerable lesions. That seems rather negligent to me. He asks me about chemo and I tell him Scott is starting tomorrow. He offers me more sympathy and advice on how to navigate through these troubling waters that are approaching. I thank him for taking the time to meet with me and go on my merry way.

Scott and I enjoy some time together that night, just like my friend encouraged us to do. Today just happens to be the day that Scott proposed 20 years ago! Another coincidence? I think not! We go see a movie; he's seen it before, I haven't. I fall asleep through it, as per my usual and on the way home he answers my questions about the parts I slept through. We go to bed with chemo in the morning on our minds. :(