1st Chemo treatment

Chapter 9 - Chemo

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

So here we go! Only 8 days after getting the official diagnosis from the oncologist, we are headed to Scott's first chemo treatment. This is still such a surreal experience and I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I can only imagine what's going through my husband's head. I wonder if he'll share on the drive down there. I doubt it. He's not much of a talker. We leave early; we are the first appointment of the day. It is painfully silent on the drive down. When we're about halfway there, I can't take it anymore. "That's it; I've had it! It's too quiet! You need to talk to me." He chuckles, then asks me a bunch of questions to get the conversation going. We talk lightheartedly for the rest of the drive down.

We check in and the nurse shows us to the chemo room. It's a bunch of reclining chairs lined up on both sides of the room. Hmmm, looks like an assembly line. This sure is a rampant disease. Screw you, cancer! The nurse is really nice, of course, and starts the "education" about the chemo and side effects commences. Nausea, loss of appetite, weakened immune system, etc. Is this even worth it?How is this improving his quality of life? She is very good and explains everything and then the chemo starts. :( Scott wants to rest and listen to some tunes, so I go out in the waiting room and start this blog. I still have a million questions and hope that we can talk to the doctor before we leave. I go back in the room after a little while to check on him and the nurse hands me a "cruise refund" paper to fill out. The doctor's office will write a letter requesting a refund for Scott and they need the cruise information from me. 😢 Again, I feel conflicted. I don't want to go to be with him, but I also know that there are plenty of people in our support system who can take him to chemo and check in on him periodically and bring in meals, etc. I wish he could come with us. It's just too early in the treatment and he really wanted to get started ASAP. We're not missing our Hawaii trip this summer though. If he has to miss a chemo treatment for that, so be it. 

They told us to prepare for six hours on the first visit; we are done in four and a half. Three different drugs were infused through the port. The last drug will be infused over 46 hours. They send him home with a pump in a fanny pack and schedule him to come in and have his pump removed. The doctor does come in towards the end of the treatment and answers some questions. They'll discuss the final liver biopsy results at his next appointment in two weeks. I'll be gone on the cruise. :( I want to be there for that discussion. It'll be old news by the time I get back. I hope Scott takes good notes.
Scott is in good spirits when we head home. All we can do now is just wait and see how he reacts.

When we get home, I go grocery shopping. Our fridge is bare; I haven't gone in two weeks. I head to Costco to wander the aisles. I run into a friend there and tell her what's going on. It just surprises me how straight-faced I can be. I think I'm so sick of talking about it that it's like I can't be emotional about it. She shares some comforting words with me and gives me a hug. I spend way more money than I should at Costco, but I find a cute sweater there and two pairs of pants. I've needed to get some new clothes for a while, but never could find the time. I buy the outfits and don't feel the least bit guilty about it.

The Aftermath
Thursday - Sunday, January 24 - 27, 2019

I go to work on Thursday and so does Scott. By now, I'm sure my co-workers know and they'll say something. It's ok. I know I'll feel of their support too. It's better to have a sense of normalcy than sit at home and feel sorry for myself. My co-workers are very supportive; some mention it and some don't. I feel of their support for me. Scott had a good day at work and feels good. No nausea ... yet and his appetite is good.

On Friday, we go to get his pump removed. As we enter, he sees a former co-worker of his there with his wife. He asks what we're doing there and we break the news to him. His face shows disbelief, just like the face on every other person we tell. It's cause he's too young, huh? The same nurse who administered the chemo on Wednesday removes his pump. It's good to see a familiar face. She jokes with him about being an pro already. Everything goes well with the pump removal and we head home. I drop him off and then head off to our daughter's ballroom competition with her. Scott's too tired for this one. He wants to stay home and rest. I hope he can come to more of them in the future, but who knows. This really sucks!

The ballroom competition goes well. Our daughter and her partner make it to round three, the furthest they've ever gotten. When we get home, Scott is like a walking zombie. I have never seen him this tired. He has been trying to sleep all day, but with no luck. He's just kind of sat around all day and not had energy to do anything. No nausea though; I guess that's a blessing. We enjoy a quiet evening with our kids and he's finally able to fall asleep and get a decent night's rest. I wish I could say the same. I've had a pain in my chest since about two days into this process. Now it's starting to develop in to a couch. Great, now I'm getting a cold. Stay away from Scott! Or is it anxiety, or cancer that has spread to my lungs?! 🤣

Saturday morning my daughter and I are off bright and early. Who schedules a ballroom competition to start at 7:00 AM on a Saturday? They do fantastic, making it to the quarter final! I am proud of her and her hard work. I love watching my kids do what they love. And cheering them on loudly; I'm really good at that! Later that day, right before I  head to the gym, a neighbor stops by with a portable speaker that's hooked up to the microphone at church so Scott can still listen to church if he can't be there. We get it figured out. That was really nice of him. Scott is glad he can still "attend" church, in a sense. After we get it hooked up and figured out, I head to the gym and exercise for the first time in about a month. I run three miles on the treadmill and it feels amazing!

Sunday is surreal again. Half of the people know; half of them don't. Scott isn't there with us; we miss him. He's able to hear what's going on so I'm glad. I get to go to Young Women's after sacrament meeting and the girls lift my spirits by just being who they are. We have an amazing lesson by a ward member who teaches seminary, a church class offered to high school students, and they love what he teaches. It's nice to just be able to listen. He does a great job. When we get home, Scott mentions that his brothers are coming next week to watch the Super Bowl with him! :) Major score! Good job, brothers! Scott has two brothers who live close by and three that live out of state. They have all arranged to come into town to spend some quality time with their brother and our kids! My heart is happy knowing that he will have some awesome male bonding time with them, doing what he loves! I feel reassured that other adults will be here while I'm on the cruise, well, for at least part of the time. I hope they take lots of pictures!