Scan results and treatment #13

They are in! The scan results are in! Thank you everyone for waiting patiently. We found out the results last week but had to wait a painstaking eight days to review them with the doctor. I think next time we will get the scan the day before we meet with the doctor. It's too much anxiety for me. A facebook post on a page I follow for colon cancer patients and caregivers affectionately coined the phrase as "scanxiety." Well, I definitely had that this week, let me tell you. I had the worst stomach ache a few nights ago and I couldn't sleep, the pain was so bad! I better not have cancer, I kept thinking! I was fine by the next day, a little sleep deprived, but my stomach felt a lot better.

Scott has had 12 treatments, and that's the end of treatment for stage 1-3 cancer. Since he has stage 4, there's not really an end date, but we can still decide how we want to proceed after this 12th treatment. We had the written and visual results of his scan, but couldn't decipher much of either, so we really had a lot of questions for the doctor. Today is also the day when we decide if we want to switch doctors, because we're a little frustrated with this one.

We sat down with the doctor, and he apologized for being late as usual, although today he wasn't as late. We got down to business and started reviewing results. He was VERY thorough and he showed us the visual results and went over the written results as we reviewed the visual results. He's not a radiologist and can't decipher everything, but to the best of his knowledge, pointed out the parts that corresponded to the written report. There are still multiple lesions/tumors/implants (apparently those words all mean the same thing) in the lungs but they are stable - meaning that they are not increasing in size and there are no new ones. The tumor(s) in the liver (this report said there were more than one, so we're a little confused because we thought there was only one) are shrinking and are also considered stable, and ..... drumroll, please .... there is no evidence of a tumor in the colon! 😲😁😀😊👏 WOW! Are you serious! Wahoo!

So the doctor explained it in this way. The tumor in the colon was the original tumor and that is like the barn. The other smaller tumors that have spread are like the cows who have escaped the barn. We need to kill off or contain the cows, which can still multiply and cause more baby cows (tumors). But for now, they all seem to be contained.

Then the doctor asked us how we wanted to proceed. Scott told him he's sick of the neuropathy and does not want to keep taking the drug that causes it. The doctor said he was going to suggest that anyway. Most people can't last through twelve treatments of it and he didn't think Scott should continue on that regimen any longer. So, after discussing several options, we decided that he would take a break from three chemo drugs together for at least a month, and we would eliminate the neuropathy one altogether. He will still take the other two chemo drugs, and in a month we will decide if he will take a different drug to replace the neuropathy-causing one. This one will cause hair loss, but Scott doesn't care. His hair has been thinning for a while now and he accepts that it's just eventually going to happen. He is such a good sport and has such a positive attitude. I love him so much.

We also asked the doctor if he could be put on a list for a new trial drug and he said he would refer him to the top cancer center in the state for a consult. They will discuss with us how they think his treatment should continue and if he qualifies to be put on a trial. Yay! I've wanted this from day one and am SO happy that THAT prayer has been answered. 

So, to recap quickly, we will not be changing doctors; we feel like he really took the time today to explain things and that he really cares about us and our situation and is doing all he can to help us. The CT scan could not find a tumor in the colon; if it's still there, the only way to know for sure is if he has another colonoscopy. We will consult with the doctors at the other cancer center and also with the original GI doc who did his colonoscopy to see when would be a good time to do that. We will also consult with new doctors to see if he qualifies for a clinical trial. The other tumors are stable. He won't take the neuropathy-causing drug anymore, but will still have chemo treatments every two weeks. We will meet with the doctor a month from now and decide to introduce the new chemo drug or not. The doctor also prescribed a drug that can help lessen the pain associated with the neouropathy that he is experiencing, and can continue to experience for some time. We've talked to several people who have experienced neuropathy due to chemo, and one person's lasted for a year and another one's has never gone away! 😥 We're hoping for the former.

Thank you everyone so much for all your thoughts and prayers. We can actually feel them! I can't really explain it, but just know they're helping us. We still have a long road ahead of us, but we are starting to see a light at the end. We are strong and getting stronger every day. We love each other so much and are strengthening our relationships every day. We are learning so much about things that we never thought we'd have to, but that's life, yah? You just have to roll with the punches. Love to all of you. Please keep reading.

Scan #2

It’s been forever since I’ve posted. I have 22 posts so far, and 22 people read it!  Haha! I don’t look forward to posting like I used to. It just seems like a chore now, like one more thing to check off the to-do list (not like I make them, anyway, but hopefully you get the point).

Scott has had two more chemo treatments since my last post, for a total of 12. His next scan is in two days. Blah blah blah! It’s just our new normal. I don’t even know what I want to expect. Of course, I want to expect that everything will have shrunk (again), but you just never know with this stupid disease that has a mind of its own.

At Scott’s 11th treatment, which was 4 days after we got home from Hawaii, we mentioned to the nurse how our explanation of benefits (EOB) statements that we receive every so often list the price of all the chemo drugs, and one of them is $6000! Our deductible is $8000, way to meet it after one treatment. “$6000 is nothing,” she says. “I’ve seen some as much as $20,000.” That’s absolutely ridiculous. Affordable health care, my butt! How can that even be legal for big pharma to even charge that much?! 😳 How do these people sleep at night?
Also, at treatment #11, there was a special needs lady there who was getting treatment herself, and her dad was on the chair next to her. So sad! She was very emotional and she was expressing her feelings about the whole process to the nurses, but loudly enough that many people could overhear. "I'm scared about what the scans will say. What if the treatment doesn't work? Why does my daddy have to have cancer too? Thank you for being so kind to me; you are such a good friend." The nurses were so reassuring to her and comforting. She was saying all of the things that I wish I could say out loud, but it would be weird if I did, because I'm "normal" and don't have special needs.Maybe one of these days I just won't care what other people think and say what I'm thinking out loud like this sweet special lady did.
The doctor lowered the dosage on one of the medications, per Scott's request. The neuropathy is really getting to him and he's tired of having numb, tingly, cold feet all the time. We're hoping the lowered dose will lessen his symptoms, but we'll see. His tumor marker number is in double digits now, down from quadruple. That's supposed to mean that the tumor is dying; we'll see what the scan shows.

For chemo #12, he went by himself. I only go with him when we talk to the doctor. Judge all you want; I can't be there for everything.

Scan Day - I hate scan days. Too much waiting. Besides waiting to hear the results, his appointment is later in the day, so we have to wait for that too! During my morning errands, I hear The Eye of the Tiger on the radio. I blast it and call Scott so he can listen; it's one of his favorites. One line of lyric sticks out to me: Just a man and his will to survive! It has different meaning now. When we go to the center and he gets ready to go back, the nurse tells us there may not be anyone there who can access his port.Really? You can't be serious. That is something we'll have to check on in the future; we just assumed every nurse would know how to do it, especially if they work in radiology, when cancer patients get scanned all the time, many of who have ports.
The nurse gets his info and goes to try to find someone who can access a port; I asked if she could. No luck. Scott has to get stuck! Scott hates needles. He can't be elevated in any way when he gets poked or he will get light headed and faint. He requests to lie down and she proceeds to stick him. No luck. She got a valve, instead of a vein. So she tried the other arm, again no luck. She gets a radiology tech to come see if he can find one. He finds one in his hand and he has success, but OUCH! I've had an IV in my hand when I had my babies and they hurt! I'm glad they FINALLY found a vein. We'll definitely request someone who can access a port for next time. We request a copy of his scans so far and they give us a CD. I wish I could read them, but maybe if we bring it to the doctor's office next week, he can help us decipher it. Scott will call tomorrow for the written results. I hope we can sleep tonight.

Celebrating 20 years in Hawaii

The long awaited 20th anniversary trip to Hawaii is finally here! We went with my sister and her husband also. They were married six weeks before us, bless our mom's heart for all the work she did to do two weddings in less than two months!😲 Kudos to her and her sister for all their help.
Here's a brief rundown of the week's events.

Day 1 - Saturday, June 15, 2019
Our plane left at 11:30 AM, our time, and landed in Hawaii at 1:30 PM their time. It was a non-stop flight (thank goodness!), for a total of six hours. They're 4 hours behind us, so when we landed it was 5:30 our time. I joked how awesome it was that we got to go back in time that day! 😂 I was looking forward to getting off the plane and getting the "Welcome to Hawaii" with the lei being placed around your neck. That didn't happen! What the heck! I guess they used to but don't now for security reasons. Stupid 9/11! We were ready for dinner when we landed, and since we were staying in a condo with a full kitchen, we had to go grocery shopping anyway, so we headed to Costco after we picked up the rental car to get dinner and groceries. Did you know that the Costco food court prices are the same nationwide?  One of my co-workers mentioned that before we left and so we took advantage of that piece of advice. Thanks, you know you are!  😉 After eating and shopping we headed to our condo, only to find out that there was no shampoo or conditioner in our room! What the heck?! That is so dumb! I called down the front desk and asked for some and they said they didn't provide it, just the soap. So another trip to the grocery store we took to get that and some smaller, non-bulk, items that we needed. At the check out line, the cashier, after very slowly scanning our groceries while munching on organic gummy bears (I think they were "special" organic gummy bears), 😂 asked if I wanted a bag. "Uh yah," I said, while thinking Isn't it standard procedure to get a bag for your groceries? Then I asked if there was a charge for them and she replied that it would be $0.15 each. I told her I'd take two bags and the guy behind us in line said, "Welcome to Hawaii!", while chuckling. More like California, I thought. I guess they're not the only state that charges for plastic bags. Well, at least we got welcomed to Hawaii, even if it wasn't the way I imagined! We headed back to our condo and by this time it was about 8:00 PM Hawaii time, which was midnight, our time. We were so exhausted we went to bed. We didn't see the beach once during our travels and couldn't see it from our condo, even though it was close, so between the lack of lei at the airport and not seeing the beach, it didn't feel like we were even in Hawaii. Hopefully we'll feel like it tomorrow, I think as I drift off to sleep.

Day 2 - Sunday, June 16, 2019
We woke up at 4:00 AM because we went to bed so early. Haha! That day we were planning on attending church (What, you go to church on vacation? Yes, we still go. It's important and we don't use vacation as an excuse to not go! And when you're visiting a ward, it's fun to see how the members in a different congregation interact with each other, and with you. The gospel is the same everywhere, even if the people are different). I digress. Anyway, we were planing on attending church with a former mission companion of mine. In the late 90's, when I was in my early twenties, I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Puerto Rico, an experience that I still treasure to this day. It was such a learning and growing experience, (so much different than this one!) I met so many wonderful people and learned so much about myself and the gospel. And I got to serve on a tropical island, which was a big bonus! 🏝❤ As part of that mission, we have companions who we serve with together, usually for about a couple of months, could be shorter or longer. These companions are with you 24/7. You live together, teach together, and hopefully learn together and get along. This particular companion of mine was brand new to the mission so I was her trainer and she was my "greenie." I was her  mission "mom" and she was my "daughter." I got to teach her the ropes of being a missionary. I think we just had fun getting to know each other while we were together because she already knew the language and how to teach the lessons. All I had to do was show her around our area and tell her about the people we were teaching. I couldn't have asked for a better "daughter". I guess we got along ok 😉 because she was fine with us going to church with her and hanging out with us after at her house. Church was great and it was wonderful to be with those Hawaiian saints. It  was Father's Day that Sunday so the men got to enjoy a delicious slice of pie before Sunday School. We headed to my "daughter's" house after for lunch and visiting.
We were officially welcomed to Hawaii at her house, after a delicious meal. She had gotten us leis made out of nuts that looked like big black beads. She placed them on our head and gave us a hug and a kiss on the cheek, the traditional Hawaiian greeting. Awwww! It was so sweet and thoughtful. We had a wonderful time reminiscing about mission memories and she gave us some good pointers about fun places to go on the island. And we enjoyed several games of UNO and she kicked our butts three games in a row.😒 We had a great time. Te quiero, mi hija!

 

Here's a picture of us in front of her cute house, with my awesome lei.

Monday, June 17, 2019
Today we went to Pearl Harbor. It was a surreal experience. My grandfather, who turned 98 on the 23rd of this month, is a WWII veteran and he was stationed on the USS Enterprise, an aircraft carrier that was stationed about 200 miles away from Pearl Harbor when the attacks happened. He came later when they received the news and was on the "clean up crew." 😥 When I told my dad we were going there, he asked me to send him pictures so he could show his dad. "He's fine with it now. He couldn't talk about it though until about 20 years ago." That made my heart sink. What these men had to endure during that time is unimaginable to me.
We watched a short film describing the history of the attacks, what led up to it, the reasons why the Japanese attacked, and the aftermath. I don't think there was a dry eye in the theater when the movie was over. Then we headed out on a boat to see the USS Arizona. That is the main boat that was attacked and had the most casualties. The boat sank and is still there in the harbor, many bodies never recovered and still inside. A floating memorial was built horizontal to the ship as a tribute to the brave men who lost their lives that day. The main memorial is closed right now for repairs, so we couldn't go inside, but we could take a boat ride out there to see it as we listened to an audio presentation about the memorial. One thing that stood out to me is when they said that there is still oil leaking from the boat (which is carefully monitored by environmental groups to protect the fish and game) called "black tears, in remembrance of the fallen crew members. It is believed that when the last survivor of the Arizona passes away, the black tears will stop. Another cool thing is the choice that is offered to the survivors for when they pass away. They may choose to have their ashes scattered at the site so they can be buried with their brothers. The presentation said that most veterans choose this option. What a somber, reverent, incredible experience this was and gave me such respect for these valiant and brave men who fought to preserve our country's freedom.
We also toured a submarine and a battleship called the USS Missouri. Scott was in his heyday for that! He loved the big guns and all the cool stuff that was on there. It took us an hour to tour the boat, and that was only two decks! That thing is huge! It was a long, hot day, but I'm so glad that we went. That is a bucket list item if you're ever in Oahu.

USS Arizona memorial. The rusty part sticking
out of the water is the sunken boat.

Inside the submarine. Them's some
tight sleeping quarters!

I wouldn't mind shooting cancer's butt with this thing!

With the deck gun on the submarine.

Them's some big guns!

Beautiful Pearl Harbor

Happy 20 years to us!

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

So 20 years ago on this day, we went and got married. We were just two young kids who were crazy in love and couldn't wait to start their lives together. Who would have imagined that twenty years later we'd be wishing for 20 more together and hoping this is not our last one? Anyways, every year on our anniversary, we return to the temple, where we were married not just for time, but were sealed for eternity. We know we'll be together after we die. This gives us great comfort as we face this challenge together. On our anniversary, we perform sealing ordinances for those who have gone before us. This reminds us of the covenants we made on our wedding day and we can help others who cannot perform these ordinances during their mortal lives. So, we went and did sealings at the temple in Laie, Oahu today. It was awesome! What a special time to share as a couple, and it was so great to have my sister and brother-in-law there too. I'm so glad we can share experiences like this together. Here's some pics from outside after we finished.

After the temple we headed to the Polynesian Cultural Center just down the street. That was the highlight of the trip! Wow! Another bucket list item! Here's some pics from that. 

Hang loose dudes! That symbol originated here.

With our fish and fishing lines that we made in Samoa!

Real life Moana!

Dancing on a canoe. Pretty dang cool!

My sister and I swinging poi balls in New Zealand.

With the dancers from the Cook Islands. They were awesome!

The pig for the luau BBQ that night. 

A dancer at the luau, right in front of our table.

Since my birthday was that month,
I got to go up on stage and show off my hula moves.
Scott and I also went up and did an anniversary dance.

It was a busy, fun-filled day and we were exhausted when we got back, seeing as how it was 2:00 AM our time. We were looking forward to sleeping in and spending a relaxing day on the beach tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019
We slept in today and then went to Waikiki Beach in the late morning/early afternoon. It was wonderful to just sit and not have to do anything. We enjoyed playing in the ocean; the water was fantastic. It was a bit crowded, but we were fine feeling like tourists for a bit. Isn't that what we were? 😆
We went shopping after the beach for souvenirs to bring home to the kiddos. Scott got a Hawaiian shirt and I found T-shirts for everyone, and a new swim suit for myself - mine was really stretched out and it was time for a new one. I also got matching dresses for my daughter and I. We enjoyed lunch and the local mall food court. I had a local favorite called Loco Moco; it's like a bunless hamburger topped with an egg with a side of rice. Yum!
We had a wonderful relaxing day. Here's some pics of that day.

Waikiki Beach!

Loco Moco! It was really good!

Matching dresses. 

Thursday, June 20, 2019

More beaches today! This time on the North Shore; people say they're better than Waikiki, less crowded. We're excited about that. On our way to the North Shore, we went to the Dole pineapple plantation. We went on a train ride with an audio tour about the place; most of the pineapple you find in any grocery stores come from Hawaii. It was a fun, relaxing ride. After that, we went to a pineapple cutting demonstration. Wow! I guess I can get rid of my Pampered Chef pineapple slicer. It's way easier to cut pineapple than I thought. I bought a pineapple when we got home, but haven't sliced it yet. Maybe later tonight I'll show the kids how it's done and we'll enjoy refreshing pineapple. 

After the Dole plantation, we headed to the North Shore. We planned on snorkeling at Shark's Cove, but it was very crowded, so we kept driving and found a beach called Sunset Beach. Wow! It was gorgeous! People were right; the North Shore Beaches are way better. We found a shady spot under a tree and enjoyed a wonderful afternoon playing in the water and relaxing on the beach. Enjoy these pics!

Pineapple and chocolate?! My two favorite foods. We found some chocolate covered pineapple in the store, purchased it, and devoured it quickly. And we enjoyed Dole Whips too. So good!

My sister and I being silly after the train ride.

More silliness!

Beautiful Sunset Beach.

I love the beach!

This could be a postcard. Look at those clouds! So gorgeous!

Enjoying my happy place in my new swimsuit.

Friday, June 21, 2019

My sister and brother-in-law found a fun place to go kayaking today. It was for a decent price, which is hard to find in Hawaii. The main road was closed due to a landslide earlier that year, so we had to take a slight detour, and there were no signs, much to the frustration of my engineer husband. Sounds like they need a new director of engineering in Hawaii; when are we moving?! 😆

We got to the kayaking place and they showed us fun places to go. We decided on a place with snorkeling since we couldn't do that yesterday. After a short drive, we were on our way. The water was really calm, so the kayaking was fairly easy. I was worried about Scott's energy, but he was doing just fine. All week, he had walked faster than all of us. He was definitely enjoying the month off chemo. We kayaked out to a sand bar, tied down the boats, and started snorkeling. My sister and brother-in-law had never gone before, but they enjoyed it, after I adjusted my sister's mask (it wasn't tight enough, she kept getting water up her nose). Here's some pics from that adventure. Scott and my bro-in-law saw a big sea turtle, but I had the camera during that time and he couldn't get my attention, so he swam around and followed it. 

My sis and bro-in-law.

This is the only one of us in the kayak. Sorry about the water spot.

Ready for snorkeling! Haha!

After kayaking, we kept driving around the island, and we went to a lighthouse and thought we were going to enjoy a flat, paved hike, according to Google. That was not the case! It was paved, but not flat! We thought about not doing it; the men were pretty tired and worn out. We decided to bite the bullet and hike to the top ot see the lighthouse. It was during the middle of the day; we were really hot, but we made it and the view from the top was amazing. The breeze picked up for the hike down, so it was a lot more pleasant. Here's some pics from our hike.

Panoramic view from the trail.

Beautiful lighthouse.

Saturday, June 22, 2019

It's our last day here! 😭 I want to stay here forever. It's so beautiful. We checked out of our condo as late as possible, because our plane didn't leave until that evening, so we had a lot of time to kill before heading to the airport.  We went to an outdoor swap meet at Aloha stadium. We got some more souvenirs for the kids, Hawaiian shirts for the boys so they could have one just like Dad. I got an ice cold coconut, something I'd wanted all week and just didn't have a chance to find one. My sister got one too and we enjoyed a refreshing treat. Scott enjoyed being in the stadium. We were super hot after and didn't want to get more hot, so we decided to get lunch somewhere cool and spend the rest of the day indoors and enjoy the air conditioning. We headed to the mall and found a movie theater and watched the new Men in Black movie. Chris Hemsworth is really nice eye candy; that was about all I liked about the movie, oh, and the seats were really comfy. We enjoyed the A/C during the movie, then headed to the airport and waited for our 8:30 PM flight. Scott was the only one who slept on the flight; the rest of us got a few hours when we arrived home early Sunday morning. This was such a wonderful memory and I'm so glad we got to enjoy this special time together. 

Scott enjoying the massage chair at the mall. 

Ice cold coconut water. Yum!

44 things I've learned

It has been a really long time since I've posted. Most of the time, I just don't want to, because I'd rather watch a movie, or sleep, or go for a walk, or one of my kids needs something, or any number of other things. And it takes a long time to me to write these posts because once I get going, I can't stop, or the creative juices stop flowing, and I don't have big chunks of time to focus on my posts.

And nothing really has changed since my last post - at least not with Scott's treatment. He still does chemo every two weeks (although he's skipping this treatment cause we'll be in Hawaii!) 😁 He still has neuropathy, gets really tired, can't go out in public too often, and if he does, he should wear a mask. We are so looking forward to Hawaii when we can just sit on the beach all day and do absolutely nothing if we want to (and reapply sunscreen every hour also). Scott has a double whammy with that one because he already needs gobs of it since he's soooooo white and chemo treatments make you more sensitive to the sun. Whatever! We'll just slather, rest, repeat.

Ok, so in a previous post I mentioned that I might do a blog post on my birthday about the things I've learned throughout my life, but more recently as we've faced this obstacle. And those things would correspond with the number of years I've been alive, which today, June 11, is 44. So, here goes!
(These are not in order of importance, just my brain dump as I randomly think about things.)

1. There is nothing more important than family. Period. If there is a family member in your life that you wish you had a better relationship with, or any relationship with, for that matter, do what you need to do to build that relationship. You never know how much time you'll have with them.
2.  Good friends come in a close second. These are the kinds of friends who you can tell anything to and there will be no judgment on their part. These are the friends who will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, and you won't be offended and know they are saying it out of love. These are the friends who are there for you no matter what and who you can not talk to in forever and then when you do talk to them again, it's like nothing's changed and you just pick up where you left off. Every person deserves to have at least ONE of these friends in their life; multiple ones are good too. 
3. Don't sweat the small stuff. I have a friend who is going through cancer herself tell me this early on in this journey. The little things, like if your kids (or spouse) leave their socks on the floor, or if the dishes don't happen to get done one day, IT'S OKAY! We just need to enjoy each other and laugh and love each other. And sometimes the small things, like stopping to smell the roses, turn into the big, important things. If you can get out and take a brief walk because that's all you have the energy for that day and you happen to smell the flowers along the way, then celebrate that! :)
4. No one is perfect, INCLUDING YOU! (So stop trying to live up to an impossibility!) People say things, or do things, out of concern and love, and sometimes even ignorance, but we choose to be offended over those things or not. Just let people love you and life is pretty sweet. 
5. It's ok to ask for help. As human beings, we are naturally inclined to help others. It makes us feel good. So let people help you, and help others, and you'll feel good. It's a win win!
6. Stop trying to control everything! No one's happy when this happens. The controller is stressed out, anxious, mad, etc., when things don't go as expected and the things or people being controlled are frustrated because they feel like they're being treated as children and that the controller doesn't trust them to make their own decisions. We can only control ourselves. Everything else is out of our control, so accept it and work on how to improve yourself. 
7. You can't do everything yourself, and no one expects you to, so stop trying, and then feeling guilty about it when you can't. I hired a cleaning lady because I'd rather spend my free time doing things I enjoy, and cleaning is not one of them. While it's true that we should still balance our time between work and leisure, if you have the resources to allow someone to share their talents or skills with you, go for it. Whether it's hiring a cleaning lady, a personal trainer, a therapist or life coach, a chef (that one would be really nice), or whatever, do what helps you stay sane and care for yourself. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first, and that's NOT selfish!
8. Notice the small miracles that happen in your life. My tender mercies post was me doing this. It's pretty dang awesome when we focus on the positive and stop wallowing in self-pity. Heavenly Father wants to bless us so much, and He does, and when we can notice that He does, it makes life that much sweeter. 
9. What makes you happy isn't necessarily what makes everyone else happy. Really? I thought everyone enjoys binge watching Netflix in their jammies, or going for a midnight food run, or going to a trampoline park, or going to a smash room to relieve frustration, or exercising for at least an hour a day, or reading, or doing family history work, or listening to music and doing a killer lip sync along with it, or yelling at their kids (actually I don't think anyone enjoys that one)! That's what makes this world so special is that everyone is different. When we discover what we really enjoy doing and use it to bless our lives and other's lives, than we can truly excel. As for me, I'm still discovering my passions and believe it will be a lifelong pursuit. (Hint: some of these things I enjoy doing, and some I don't. Whoever can guess which ones will be promoted to the GOOD friend list I mentioned in #2)🤔😊
10. Having quiet moments can be scary, but are worth it (I think). Since this whole thing started, I haven't wanted to be alone with my thoughts, 'cause they tend to run rampant and I'm already kind of a pessimist and don't want to focus on the negative even more. I try to stay busy so I'm not alone with my thoughts. My therapist says it's good for me to meditate and process these emotions I'm experiencing; it's a daily struggle. 
11. The doctor's advice about eating right and exercising and getting enough sleep is actually true! This one's pretty self-explanatory, although it would be nice if we could just take a magic pill every once in a while.
12. Don't ever ignore a "gut feeling", no pun intended. Some people call it a prompting from the Holy Ghost, some people call it intuition, some people call it an instinct or a "gut feeling." Whatever you call it, we all have the innate ability to sense when things just aren't quite right. If you have a feeling to call or text a friend, bring a meal or a treat to that lonely neighbor, smile at someone in the grocery store, bring flowers to someone, whatever, just do it. You are guaranteed to brighten someone's day, and it helps you forget about your problems for a while. 
13. You can't please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you, and that is their problem. Don't waste time trying to get them to. Just be yourself.
14. Everything's better with chocolate. No further explanation needed for this one. 
15. Life hardly ever goes how you think it will or want it to. Ain't that the truth? So what are you going to do about it? Put on your big girl (or boy) panties and create your own happiness.
16. God places people and circumstances in your life in order for you to learn from it. So stop resisting and figure out what it is you're supposed to.
17. Human beings are innately good. Accept other people's help graciously. You won't seem like such a jerk and you may gain some new friends in the process.
18. We choose to be offended.
19. We're in charge of our own attitude.
20. No one can make you feel a certain way.  Ok, I realize these last three are very similar; they all have to do with our thoughts. Our thoughts effect our emotions, which can then effect our actions. So by cleaning up our thoughts, we can clean up our actions. This is still a big struggle for me. I'm an emotional teenager, but I'm trying to learn coping skills for how to react when things don't go my way, which is like, all the time. 😧
21. Take time for yourself every day. Whatever you need to do to have some "me" time every day, do it. You'll feel so much better when you do.
22. Smart phones are the best invention ever. While the other members of my family may argue that Samsungs and Androids are better than iPhones, and I disagree, the main point of smart phones is pretty incredible. It's amazing we have this tool to help us in all aspects of life; it's just navigating through them and not being constantly glued to them that's a daily struggle. That's the love-hate relationship part of it, especially with teenagers! :(
23. No matter my mood, when I listen to Taylor Swift I always feel better. I don't know what it is, but it happens every time. She is the one who inspired this blog post also. Thanks, Tay Tay. 
24. Become your own best friend. I'm still working on this one ... A LOT! Get to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. And it's ok to talk to yourself too. :)
25. Don't ever compromise your standards, beliefs or values to impress someone else. If people can't love and respect you for you, they're not worth having as friends.
26. Keep learning your whole life. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I'm grateful my parents encouraged me to pursue a college education. Even though I don't currently have a career in my degree, or any at all, for that matter, it's nice to know that I could get one if needed. For now, I'm enjoying my part-time job and should the time come when I need to pursue other employment, it's comforting to know that I am qualified to do so. This quest for knowledge has also helped me navigate through this world of cancer. If we just relied on what the cancer docs said and didn't try to educate ourselves on further options, I don't think Scott would be doing as well as he is. 
27. Potty training and teaching your kids to drive are the most nerve racking things to do as a parent. 😖
28. Crying is cleansing. Don't apologize for crying and don't be embarrassed about it.
29. Don't underestimate the influence you have on other people. Every interaction you have with someone leaves an impact, large or small, so let your light shine and don't be afraid to be yourself. If you don't know yourself, do what you can to discover you.
30. Find your happy place. This is different for everyone. My happy places are the beach, watching my kids do what they love, attending the temple and GIRLS CAMP! (This is an annual camp that the young women in the church participate in and it's a wonderful, bonding, friendship-building/strengthening experience. I'm so sad I can't go this year!)😭
31. Money can be your friend, so treat it as such. Money is NOT a bad thing and shouldn't be treated like it is. True, we need to mindful of how much we have and live within a budget. Having a nest egg for a rainy day is very helpful, and I am grateful we have built up our savings so we can pay for these alternative treatments that insurance won't cover. If we have a mindset of scarcity with money, we're going to act out of fear every time we spend, and then we won't enjoy what we have. That's not a healthy way to live. 
32. Clean up after yourself. This one's pretty self-explanatory. It's just good manners and it saves you time if you put stuff back where it belongs, you won't waste time looking for it if it's not there.
33. Regular girls' night are a MUST! Thank you to all my girlfriends who have joined me in this. You know who are and it helped a TON! Love you. 
34. Work hard to achieve your goals and dreams and don't let ANYONE tell you you can't do it! If you don't know what those goals or dreams are, some soul-searching may be in order.
35. Try to improve yourself each day. There is no growth in comfort, so get out of your comfort zone and let others see your light shine.
36. Count your blessings. Some people use a gratitude journal to help them be mindful of their blessings. I did this once for a year and wrote something new every day. It was great to go back and read it when I was done and see how many blessings I really have. Maybe I need to start that up again.
37. Eat your vegetables. 5-7 servings is a good suggestion. Eating more than that wouldn't hurt either.
38. Take your vitamins. Some are better than others, so do your research and take the good ones.
39. Love everyone for who they are. Every human being just wants to be loved. Let's embrace others' differences and make this world a better place. The golden rule really does make sense.
40. Everyone has something to offer the world. Go out and discover your purpose, and don't be afraid to share it with others. That's when the real fun and growth begins.
41. Only keep what you need. We are too attached to our things as humans and we need to de-clutter our lives. If we have things that we don't need, the garbage can be your friend. Don't feel obligated to keep something if someone gives it to you. If you can't use it, get rid of it. It's so cleansing when you do this.
42. Our life circumstances are out of our control; we are only in control of ourselves. 
43. Don't EVER EVER give up!

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Hope you enjoyed. T-Minus 48 hours until we leave for Hawaii! 😁🏝

So Many Unknowns, But Still Trying to Focus on the Positive

It's been a LONG time since I've posted. I figured I better post something soon to keep all 31 people who read my last post updated.😆 These last few weeks have been insanely busy! As I write this, Scott is currently doing chemo #9! Has it really been that long? Here are some updates, both medical and personal, since my last post: (Enjoy all the pics in this one too)!

• It's been almost 120 days since he started chemo. It seems like it's been longer, but also shorter, if that makes sense. but that's okay if it doesn't. 😆
• Every time we have come to chemo, it has been either snowing or raining. Today it is a beautiful day and we're a little bummed that we have to stay inside. We requested that they set up a chemo tent for days like these. Also, every time we come, the wait time gets longer. Today we had to wait 45 minutes just to go talk to the doctor. He didn't get hooked up to the chemo until 15 minutes ago (we've been here for two hours already, only four more to go). 🙄 He's still always the youngest one here. Today the gentleman sitting next to him was born in 1930! I think if I had cancer at that age, I'd just let it take me and not take my chances with chemo. I'm glad Scott's body is younger and stronger to fight it and hopefully beat it for good! (There was a girl that came in after I started writing this who looked like she was in her 30s, so he's not the youngest one anymore). 
• The neuropathy and fatigue gets worse with each treatment. The doctor said today that he could reduce the dosage of one of the meds in order to reduce the neuropathy, or the likelihood of it reversing once treatment is done. He said there's a 40% chance that it won't reverse itself. Really?! Scott told him he can live with the neuropathy. He's the one in charge. I hope he can keep hanging in there. He is doing very well and is a fantastic example of strength and courage.
• His foot got infected; we thought it was an ingrown toenail. He went to his regular MD and it's not an ingrown toenail, he just got some weird infection and he prescribed him an antibiotic. My mind went in all different directions thinking that because of his weakened immune system he got this weird infection and this is just one of many infections we'll have to deal with. He's had a runny nose off and on since he started chemo; is that another infection? His overall health is good, he has good energy on his "off chemo" weeks, so I feel like it's going as well as it can, but in the back of my mind, I know that he could die from an infection. At least the weather is nice and there aren't as many sick people, but he still avoids crowds to be on the safe side. I don't think I could do that. I need to be around people or I'll go a little crazy. He's more of a homebody, so maybe it doesn't bother him, but he knows how hard it is for me to go to stuff without him. 
• All of his numbers are looking good and it continues to look like everything is working! His tumor marker number continues to decrease. 😁
• I hired a cleaning lady! She's fantastic! I hate cleaning my house and I'm already doing so many things that I dislike, why feel obligated to do another one? It's a win-win situation. She gets paid for doing what she loves and I am in a better mood when I see her fantastic job and don't feel disgusted at my pigsty house or discouraged because I can't do it all! I don't feel guilty one bit about hiring her and wonder why I didn't do this years ago. 
• Our youngest son was baptized last month. Our oldest son got to baptize him! It was a very special day! So many friends and family came to support him. It was good to spend time with them and see my two boys have such a great experience together. Proud mama moment!

They didn't go together and I won't post pics
of them with their dates for privacy reasons,
but I couldn't NOT take a picture of them together
cause they looked so dang awesome!

• Later that day, our two oldest children went to the high school's prom. It was our son's last one and our daughter's first one. They're both so gorgeous (I'm a little biased) and they had a great time. I got to chaperone my daughter's group date and ride in the prom bus that her group decorated. Good times!

The driver and the doorman for the prom bus!

• Scott's brother and family came for a visit from out of state and my sister-in-law took me to a "rage" room. So awesome! We got to smash a bunch of beer bottles and old electronics! It felt great to release some stress! And my outfit is so cute, huh?
• 
  

• I went to Women's conference with my mom earlier this month. This is an annual event held at BYU and it features wonderful speakers from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is a time to connect with others, gain new spiritual insights and overall be uplifted in so many ways. This is the second time I have gone and it was so fantastic! I gained so many insights, felt so uplifted, enjoyed fun times with my mom, ran into old friends (all of whom read my blog, please keep it up!) ❤ And the highlight was listening to one of my favorite people, my podcast idol, Jody Moore. That was definitely one to check off the bucket list!

• The following week I returned to BYU to see our 5th grade son perform in the Hope of America program. This is a patriotic program that all the 5th graders in the school district (I think 🤔) perform every year. It is filled with many uplifting patriotic songs and some cute dances too. It was fun to go with two of his brothers and enjoy seeing him perform. A few days later he was Benjamin Franklin in his wax museum project at school and he sure enjoyed being in the spotlight for that one - and he looked dang cute!

• Mother's Day weekend was wonderful! I usually hate Mother's Day because it seems like you notice more how ornery your kids are, how messy your house is, and how ungrateful everyone is for everything you do. I think I've either just lowered my expectations of Mother's Day or I just don't care anymore. If my kids are clothed and fed, I think we can count that as a good day. 🤣 I told my three oldest kids that as a Mother's Day present from them, I wanted to go to the temple with them to perform baptisms for the dead. In our church, we believe that everyone deserves the opportunity to accept the gospel of Jesus Christ. The first ordinance that is necessary to return to live with Him is being baptized. Well, not everyone has the opportunity to do that in this life. So we do family history research for our deceased ancestors and whoever has not had the opportunity to have these ordinances performed in this life, we stand in as a proxy for them. We represent them as if they were still here in mortality to perform the ordinances themselves. They then have the choice on the other side whether to accept the gospel or not. It's actually kind of a cool thing, and a sacred experience when you think you are helping those who did not have this opportunity in their life, in many cases, due to circumstances beyond their control. This article also explains the process, in a bit more detail than I did https://www.lds.org/temples/what-is-proxy-baptism?lang=eng                             Every worthy member of the church who turns 12 that calendar year, or older, can go to the temple to perform this ordinance in their behalf, so my three older kids and I decided to go and do this work for our ancestors. We had a wonderful time there and I'm so glad they chose to get up early on a Saturday morning to enjoy this sacred time with me and each other.    
  
• Every year, Scott and the kids make me breakfast in bed, as per my request. The kids wanted to help, but he kicked them out of the kitchen this time, so they just watched and brought me breakfast when it was ready. I enjoyed the feast in my bed and opening cards that they made at school (I think I only got one this year, from my youngest). There must be a cutoff for homemade cards once you reach double digits, because I didn't even get one from my 5th grader. It's okay. He gave me a big hug. I know he loves me. Church that day was fabulous too! Our 13-year-old son, who is deathly afraid to speak in front of others, faced his fear and gave the most beautiful talk about parents in sacrament meeting. That was in front of about 200 people! He looked down the whole time and just read his talk from his phone, but he knocked it out of the park! I cried tears of joy hearing him speak from his heart. He is such a wonderful, brave, young man. For our second meeting that day, all of the young women and their mothers got to attend a special Mother's Day meeting. It was so wonderful to spend some time with my daughter and to see all the other cute girls and their moms there. We listened to a brief message from each member of the new presidency and afterward there was time for everyone to enjoy some refreshments and socialize. It was a wonderful, intimate, spiritual experience that we all shared together. It was so great to go back to young women's and be with the girls again, and extra special to sit next to my daughter and hold her hand. I love that she is not embarrassed to still do that. She also insisted that we wear the same outfit on Mother's Day and I had no objections. 

• Later that day, some friends and I "kidnapped" another friend who we knew was having a hard day and feeling unappreciated. We drove to a beautiful area, enjoyed some yummy treats and had a good therapy session together. :) I love that we can band together as women and help buoy each other up and offer friendship, love and understanding. I also enjoyed a walk with our children after dinner that day, and later just with Scott. His energy level was better than when just the kids and I went for a walk earlier. I would say it was a perfect day, if that's even possible to have one. I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many family and friends, and to feel truly loved.

Well, thanks for your patience with this long post, my friends. I always seem to have a lot to say.

Here is a list of some things for us to look forward to in the next few days/weeks:

• Our daughter's end of year ballroom concert where she gets to perform her cabaret dance with her partner that they have been working on for over a year
• The last day of school (it depends on who you ask if that's something to look forward to or not) 😂
• Our oldest son's high school graduation
• No getting up early anymore; sleeping in during summer vacation
• Our trip to Hawaii (in one month we will be there, wahoo!)

Comments that people share with me about my blog: (and my response to them)

• I follow your blog! I love it! (Yay, please keep reading, and share with your friends!)
• I can hear your voice as I read your blog. It's as if you're there sharing everything with me personally. (I love it! That was one of my desires when I started this blog. I think that's the sign of a really good writer.) 😁
• Please keep writing your blog. It makes me smile/laugh. (Of course, I'll really try to post more regularly.)

That's it for now folks. Until next time.