Miscellaneous ramblings

As I write this, my kids are "settling" into bed, (yah right, they'll only be settled when they are fast asleep), while my husband IS fast asleep. (It's not even 9:00 PM.) He went for a run today and tripped on the uneven concrete and fell. I admire his desire to stay active, but maybe just walking or stretching or yoga will be a little less hazardous. I hope we can find something to help him feel like he can exercise a little bit; he feels useless and isn't used to such a sedentary lifestyle. I hope he gets some good rest. He'll be up at 5:00 AM, as usual. It's OK to sleep in if you're not feeling well.

Here are some updates since his last chemo treatment: His CEA number (the number that measures his liver tumor activity) has risen a bit in the last few months. The lowest it's ever been was 47; at the last doctor's visit it was in the 70s. The doctor isn't too concerned about it, if it were in the 100s, maybe. It's an easy way to measure the vitality of the tumor instead of doing a scan every month. We talk to him again on October 16th, two days after Scott's next scan.

He finished all the Vitamin C infusions; the naturopath doctor wants him to continue doing them until after the next scan, if not even longer. We sent in the receipt to our medical insurance company for a possible reimbursement. They wouldn't cover it initially, (surprise, surprise!) so we're hoping if we submit the paperwork correctly they will. It was close to $1000 for all the supplies and the medicine. Have I mentioned how much I wish we could just be covered for all of our medical expenses? Insurance premiums are through the roof and it only covers some things?! It's the dumbest thing ever.

We found out a little over a week ago that our daughter has an ovarian cyst! She was in so much pain during and after her menstrual cycle and was throwing up about every other day for two weeks! I finally took her the doctor to see what was going on. He was very thorough and asked a gazillion questions (which I'm grateful for) and ordered an ultrasound and blood work. So last Friday night was fun! Instead of going to a friend's son's wedding reception, we were getting tests done at the hospital. All the blood work came back normal and the only thing they found was a super small cyst on her left ovary. We followed up with an OB the next week and she suggested birth control or an IUD to help lessen the cramping. We're also going to Scott's naturopath doc to see if he has other suggestions on how to prevent them in the first place, or control the symptoms.

She felt well enough to go to the homecoming dance last Saturday, eight days after her hospital adventure. She went with a boy whom she befriended on the first day of school; he was sitting all alone at lunch and she invited him to come eat lunch with her group. This is his first year at the school so he doesn't know any of the kids. He has been homeschooled for most of his life due to health problems. Asking her out was a big deal for him; it was his first date. She was hesitant to say yes at first because of his social awkwardness, but I am proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone and seeing the best in him. They had a wonderful time and she said he was the perfect gentleman.

We enjoyed a dance concert tonight for my nephew. As we were driving to his high school, a song came on the radio that our whole family enjoys and our daughter and 11-year-old son began to sing the words together. If I hadn't been driving, I would have recorded it. Their voices blended really well together and they kept looking at each other and smiling as they belted it out in parts. Cherish these precious moments, I reminded myself.

The kiddos are now all asleep; I'm fighting to stay awake myself. So my departing thoughts are these:

• Earlier this week I watched Wonder Woman with my boys and it reminded me yet again that love can change the world and through it we can find our strength. 
• Today Kelly Clarkson sang on the radio "I'm Broken and it's Beautiful." It was very empowering. We're all just a bunch of broken people doing the best we can. Embrace your "brokenness" and use it to help uplift others. 

Peace out, good night! :)

Dusting off the blog shelf

Ok, it's been WAY too long since I've posted. I realized recently why that is. I'm working with a life coach, who is phenomenal, by the way, and in a recent session she mentioned that in our life we have buffers, which are like ways for us to escape from all the stress and anxiety of life. These can be things like substance abuse, binge watching TV/movies, shopping, social media, and NOT doing something productive because you claim you don't have time. WHOA! MIND BLOWN! That was a major light bulb moment for me! Why am I not updating my blog? Because I have to think about this big life circumstance when I do it and I don't want to, so I'll just escape to social media or the busyness of life. The life coach then went on to instruct us how to make goals to eliminate or lessen the time we spend on these buffers in our life. As a result of this guidance, I have made a goal to update this thing at least weekly. It's ok if it's not very long, if it's not grammatically perfect, or if it doesn't make sense. I just need to do it, not just to keep everyone updated, but also to release the stress/frustration/anxiety that I/we experience from this. And if I don't update regularly, I get calls/texts/emails from concerned, loving friends and family members wondering if everything is all right. (Thank you for those, by the way). So here's to re-commitment.

I think chemo #16 is this Wednesday, but honestly I've lost count. I know we talk to the doctor that day. All the treatments seem to mesh into one; it's just our life now. The plan for now is that Scott will do a few more chemo treatments until the next scan next month, and no matter what the results are, he's going to take a break. He's been a total rockstar through this whole process - bearing patiently through all the discomfort and pain, and always with a smile on his face. 😊 We celebrated Scott's 46th birthday in style last month; I threw him a surprise party and invited the whole neighborhood plus his office plus all of the family. There were about 200 people there total and I think he really felt loved - that was the intent anyway.

I've been giving him Vitamin C infusions at home, per his naturopath doctor's orders. We have two nurse friends in our neighborhood who have come to help every time and they have been great. I can do it myself, I would just prefer that someone else pokes him.  We had one scheduled last week and neither one was able to come and we couldn't reschedule, so I did it, and, if I do say so myself, I did a good job! It's definitely not something I ever thought I would do, but when something needs to be done, I  figure out a way to do it. He has four more treatments to do, and then we'll follow up with the naturopath to see what's next.

We met with the cancer specialists shortly after the last scan. He doesn't qualify for any trial medication as of right now because the current medication seems to be working to shrink the tumors. The trial meds are only if the current meds don't work. The doctors at the specialty clinic were all very friendly and thorough and we felt extra special when we were there. They went over all the scan results when we were there and it was really helpful to see them side by side to see the progress of the tumor shrinkage. And the best part of the visit is that the doctor is from Spain, and since both Scott and I speak Spanish, we got to speak Spanish with him. That was fun! 😉

I've listened to (since I don't have time to sit down and read) two really cool books since I last posted. The first one is called Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis and the second one is called Educated by Tara Westover. They're both so good! They are the real life experiences of these women and their process of self-discovery. I admire them so much for being vulnerable and opening up about their lives, hardships and growth through these experiences. I remember telling a friend a while ago that I'd like to make my blog into a book someday, and she said she'd buy it. That was super validating for me. I'm glad I have these two great examples to turn to, as well as many others, of weathering the storm and coming out stronger on the other side.

I think I'm FINALLY at peace with being released as the Young Women's President. That may seem like it took a long time (Gosh, just get over it already, was a constant thought in my head for months!), but it took as long as it needed to for me. Going to church was already hard enough without Scott, and now that I didn't have the girls as my soft place to fall, it was even worse. I honestly questioned what was the point in attending if I couldn't be with them. Then one day in the kitchen, I had an epiphany. All of my hurt feelings and resentment and sadness were just gone. I shared this with my daughter. "Good job, Mom!" she said and gave me a fist bump. I also had a conversation with a ward leader about how I was still struggling with trying to understand why this happened and felt like I was short-changed because I wasn't in as long as I thought I should be. His comforting words helped me to realize that I can still be there for the girls, just in a more passive way. That's really hard to step back from it when you were so invested in them, I think. But just because you don't have the calling, doesn't mean you can't minister and touch their lives in a way that only you can. Even though my heart still longs to be with them at the weekly activities (they were seriously the highlight of my week) and in the Sunday lessons (which are so incredibly spiritual as a small group), I know that my influence can still extend to them in other ways. They will always have a special place in my heart and will always be "my girls." 💗

More things that I've learned since this journey began:

• Having the heart to heart conversations aren't always easy, but they're so worth it.
• Sometimes unplugging and just goofing off together is the best therapy. 
• Hiring a housekeeper and a life coach are two of the best decisions I've ever made. 
• Strength is not something you have, it's something you find! 😁